Zapp Brannigan
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Movie Transcript: Bender's Game |
Bender's Game
Cubert: Yes, 10! Dwight: Well done, Cubonius. You decapitated the unicorn. ALL: All right. Chinese Boy: Oh, oh! We search his tail pouch for treasure. Dwight: Deep in the unicorn's rump sack, you find... [The boys gasp as he rolls the dice.] 60 gold pieces and a mysterious scrap of cloth bearing the unmistakable stench of dwarf urine. Indian Boy: The same stench that was on the bed linens at the inn? Dwight: The very same. Chinese Boy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Cubert: I cast a spell of detect magic. Bender: [Walking over to the table.] What you doing, mini-meatbags? Underage gambling? Shame on you. Count me in. [He places a wad of cash on the table.] Dwight: We're not gambling. We're playing Dungeons & Dragons. Cubert: Right now, we're fighting for our lives in the lair of the Dragon Queen. Bender: Ah, wrong. Right now you're ass-deep in a folding chair. Cubert: Yes, but in my imagination I'm riding a golden Pegasus. Giddy up, Sparky! [He rides the chair like a horse.] Bender: [Sitting down.] Am I the only one seeing him sitting here with peanut butter on his face? Dwight: Bender, were you built without an imagination? Bender: What? Don't be stupid, of course not. It just hasn't descended yet.
Bender: Fry, do I have an imagination? Fry: I don't know, Bender. Why do you ask? Were the other boys making fun of you? Bender: Mhmm. They said I couldn't imagine things. Fry: Well, you never know unless you try. Like, I didn't know if I could swallow a softball, so I gave it my best shot and voilà! [He lifts his shirt to reveal a large lump in the middle of his abdomen.] Wait, that's not it. [He twists to the left a bit to reveal a second hump.] Ah, thar she blows! Ship's Computer (while beeping): Warning, out of dark matter fuel. Leela: That's not a warning. A warning is supposed to come before something bad happens. Ship's Computer (with a more stern alarm): Warning, engines will shut down in one second. Leela: That's more like it.
Fry: Uh-oh. This space neighborhood looks kind of sketchy. Punk: [He flies onto the front of the ship and yanks off the hood ornament.] Rock 'n' roll. Bender: Hey, that punk stole our hood ornament. Now no one will know we have the LX package. Leela: We need dark matter and we need it fast. Fry, check Nibbler's litter box. Maybe he dropped a steamer. Fry: Aye, aye, Captain. Yes! I've never been so excited to see poop. Well, maybe once.
ALL: [Cheering] Bender: There's gas in our ass.
Leela: Can you believe the price of dark matter? It'd be cheaper to fill the tank with Nobel Prize winners' sperm. MOM COMPUTER: Total dark matter purchased, $632.14. Your Speedpass will now be charged.
Leela: You lousy... Sal: Hey, gets a loads of that ugly ship. What shades of green is that? Puke? Leela: For your information it's called Electric Mucus. Sal's Friend: More like puke. Sal: Whoa! Leela: Yeah, why don't you come a little closer so my boot can hear you? Bender: [Restraining her.] Calm down, Leela. You can vent tonight on your blog. Sal: What's the matters, you couldn't affords the LX package? Sal's Friend: Puke-a-doodle-do. Leela: You're making fun of our ship? Your ship is the most beat-up thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Mickey Rourke's head. Sal: Yeah, she's a little Rourky, but you got to gets big time ugly to be five-time winners at a demolition derby. Fry: That's five more times than we've won or even entered. Bender: We do suck. Sal: Yup, and it's gonna be six winses after tonights. Leela: We'll sees abouts that.
Hermes: Dark matter costs have tripled, so we must reduce expenses. Therefore, we will no longer provide complimentary porno magazines in the lounge. Scruffy: Dern it. Farnsworth: And no more wasting fuel. From now on I'll be keeping a tight hold on the keys to the ship, swallowing them before I go to bed and recovering them the next morning. Amy: Splech! Hermes: Professor, it's 4:00. Farnsworth: 4:00 in the evening? Then, good night. [He swallows the keys.]
Leela: I don't care what the Professor says. We're entering that demolition derby to prove our ship isn't a piece of junk. Zoidberg: But won't that turn our ship into a piece of junk? Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg. He's right, Leela. Leela: But we have no choice. Rednecks insulted us. Fry: So? Let it go. Don't let your temper get the better of... Leela: [Grabbing Fry and shaking him senseless.] Rednecks!
Zoidberg: Using this magneto, I will now guide the keys up the thorax and out via the frontal face hole. That's the storage locker, the boat, the other boat, pay dirt!
Rich Little (VO): Greetings, sports fans. Though whether this outpouring of inbreds can in fact be classified as a sport is a subject of no small scholarly debate.
Sal: Well, wells, well, if it ain'ts Princess Pukerella and her pukey puke-mobile. Leela: Oh, yeah? Well... Shut up. Bender: -Good comeback, Leela. Leela: You shut up, too.
Rich Little: Rich Little, here, as Howard Cosell. And now to grace us with its rendition of the national anthem, please welcome what is left of the Dixie Chicks after their tragic matter transporter accident.
The Dixie Chicks: We're in horrible pain.
'Rich Little: And we are underway.
Sal: Whoas! Leela: Yes! Now we're inflicting. Rich Little (VO): Outstanding! Tonight we are witnessing a veritable clinic and that ludicrous hullabaloo known as demolition derby.
George Takei: [While smacking into a ship piloted by Scott Bakula.] Way to kill the franchise, Bakula. [He hits him one more time and then sees it explode. Not long after, Takei's ship explodes as well.]
Rich Little (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, we are down to our final two ships. In the storied annals of demolition derby, today will surely be remembered, if only as the day upon which I was absorbed (Shows Rich Little.) into that hideous conglomeration once known as the Dixie Chicks. Leela: Buckle your sphincters.
Sal: That broad's insanes. Sal's Friend: But you're insansier, right? Sal: Nah, I guess nots. I've decideds to relax and enjoy life from now ons.
Leela: Yes! We did it! [Her pony tail is on fire and falls off.] Rich Little: And Planet Express takes the trophy.
Leela: Now, I'll use the magnet to get the keys back in there. Zoidberg: What? You mean I cut a big hole in him for nothing? [He begins placing organs back in Farnsworth's body.] Leela: Don't worry, the Professor won't even remember that he has a spaceship. [She gasps as Farnsworth enters with Hermes.] Farnsworth: Ah, my precious spaceship! My lone source of joy in the cold December of my days. Come, friends. Let's take her for a spin to the malt shop like old times. Leela (Into her Wristlojakimater): Leela to Zoidberg. Execute Distraction Protocol Alpha. Zoidberg (From Wristlojakimater): Roger that.
Zoidberg: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Ooh! [He falls and lands against the curtain. A torch sits next to him.] Don't look at me.
Farnsworth: Yes, she's a wonderful ship, all right. As beautiful now as the day I got botched laser eye surgery. [He looks at the floor.] Now, that's odd. What's the fuel gauge doing on the fl... [He gasps as he sees the gauge points at the notch just below the "Full" mark.] Great Godzilla's gonads! Who wasted precious fuel? Answer now or be punished. Leela: All right, fine. I admit it. Farnsworth: You will be punished.
Chinese Boy: Oh, my gosh, 20! Cubert: Yeah. Dwight: Your pole arm does double damage, and the gelatinous cube dies in horrible poverty. [He makes dying noises.]
Cubert: I proceed to cast a spell of darkness. Indian Boy: Most ingenious. Chinese Boy: Ah, Bender? Bender: Me? I, uh cast a spell of darkness. [He makes ghostly noises.] Pretty imaginative, huh? Cubert: No, you just did the same thing as me, but with a dumb noise. Bender: Oh... You're right. I'm great in every way except I have no imagination. All I ever wanted is to play this magical game and I can't. Dwight: Yes, you can. You just have to lose yourself in the fantasy. You have to believe the impossible is merely preposterous. Bender: Okay. Here goes. Visor down. I believe, I believe. [He makes ghostly noises again.] I did it! I imagined something. For 1.3 milliseconds, I truly believed I was a noble robot in days of yonder. Chinese Boy: Way to go, Bender. Cubert: What is thy character's name, good sir? Bender: Uh, um... I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
Farnsworth (Angrily): Everybody out of the conference room. I am calling a conference. (To the crew:) Everybody get in here. [Cut to Leela standing with the crew and Farnsworth.] You wasted precious fuel just because you were insulted by some redneck yokel from beyond the stars? Leela: It was only half a ball. Farnsworth: That's not the point. Your temper is out of control. And to think I'd have never even known if it weren't for the lengthy and unsolicited tattling of Dr. Zoidberg. Zoidberg: She also took home two rolls of Scotch tape. Farnsworth: Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg. Hermes, incentivize that employee.[Hermes throws a fish into Zoidberg's mouth.] As for you, Leela, I'm letting you off with a warning. Leela: Oh, thank you. Farnsworth: A warning that will be administered by this 50,000-volt shock collar. Leela: Zoidberg, I'm gonna put my boot so far up your cloaca, you'll be... [She is shocked.] Ow! Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence. [She is shocked.] Leela: Ouch! Farnsworth: Profanity. Leela: Son of a... [She is shocked.] Ow! Farnsworth: Or perversions of a sexual nature. Leela: [She is silent for a moment, then is shocked.] Ow! Hermes: Sorry, it's the only collar they had in stock at Office Depot. Zoidberg :I hope you picked up some Scotch tape while you were there. Bender: That's a good one.
Narrator: Imagine, if you will, an announcer you can barely understand. He refers to a... *incoherent mumbling* But you're not quite sure what he said. He seems to be eating something, or perhaps he's a little drunk. It's remotely possible that he just said something about... The Scary Door.
Soldier: Firing, sir! Soldier: It's all over. Our guns and bombs are useless against the aliens. Farmer: The saucers! Theys'a crashin'!
Narrator: In the end, it was not guns or bombs that defeated the aliens, but that humblest of all God's creatures, the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Leela: I can't believe TiVo suggested that piece of... [She is shocked.] Ow! Come on, Hermes. Surely you have the authority to remove this damn [The collar shocks her, but it goes unnoticed.] collar. Hermes: Alas, no. I got the key but not the authority. Leela: [She reaches for the key and gets shocked.] Yeow! Well, who does have the authority? Hermes: Only the staff doctor. You'll have to convince him that you have resolved your anger issues. Leela: I don't have any god da- [Shock.] mother f- [Shock.] anger issues. [Smoke is coming from the collar.]
Dwight: As your dwarf-skin canoe rounds a bend you suddenly see... [He rolls the dice.] A terrifying red dragon.
Indian Boy: What do we do? What do we do? Bender: Wait, I know. I make use of my rod of fireballs. [He makes explosion noises.] Cubert: [He scoffs.] Everyone knows red dragons are immune to fireballs as well as all other forms of incendiary attack. Bender: Yes, but I aim not at the dragon but at the river itself to create a shroud of steam through which we can escape. ALL: Whoa! Dwight: [He rolls the dice.] Sweet pony of Sierra Leone, it worked!
Chinese Boy: We did it! Cubert: Success!
Fry: Bender, smell this milk. Bender: I go not by the name of Bender, you fleshy fool. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.
Fry: Professor, something's bothering me. Monkey (In Farnsworth's Voice): Well, you can always talk to me about anything, Fry. What's on your mind? Fry: Well, it's... it's about my friend Bender. Farnsworth Monkey: Mmm. I see. Show me on this anatomically correct doll exactly where he touched you. Fry: No, it's nothing like that. It's just that I am worried about him. He's being playing an awful lot of Dungeons & Dragons. Farnsworth Monkey: Dungeons &... Good God! Hasn't he seen the Afterschool Special? You've got to talk to him, Fry. Make him quit now before he completely loses his mind. Fry: Okay, I will. Farnsworth Monkey: Good boy. Just don't let him touch you down there.
Zoidberg: Well, here's your problem, right here. You've got a skull embedded in your head. Leela: [Annoyed sigh.] You're absolutely right, Doctor. Can the collar come off now? Zoidberg: Let me just peel your head a little and see if I can get that skull out. [He pulls a large potato peeler. He prepares to "fix" Leela's problem, but she gets angry and activates the shock collar while kicking the utensil out of his grip. It flies into the groin of an upside down poster of the human body.] Zoidberg: So, you tell me, little miss expert, why always with the temper? Calm down for once and think. Here, enjoy a relaxing spritz from my empathy bladder. [She is squirted with a light green liquid and the collar emits a shock. Leela isn't phased by it.] Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger? Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you. [The collar emits a shock.] Zoidberg: I'm beginning to understand. It all goes back to your parents. Leela: What? [The collar is intermittently shocking her now.] Zoidberg: You harbour resentment because they pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man. [He dances around and sings a tune then falls to his knees and sobs.] Why? Whyyy? Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago. Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them. (To an intercom:) Amy, cancel my appointments. Amy (From intercom): Stop calling me.
Fry: Bender, please don't get mad, but I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. Bender: You're absolutely right, Fry. I almost went insane, but after this heart-to-heart talk, I've decided to quit. Fry: Really? Whew! That's a load off my toad. Bender: Now, if you'll excuse me. [He places the pot on his head.] I'm off to slay the werewolf of Goblin Mountain. [He waves his arms around, makes gibbery noises and dives head first out the window. Cut to Hermaphrobot screwing her left breast in place under a street light. Bender falls in front of her, gets up and pulls a sword out from his chest.] Bender: On guard, man-wench! Prepare to cross blades. Hermaphrobot: You couldn't afford it, honey. [She snaps her fingers.]
Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the fancy men. [He scoops Nibbler's poop and dumps it in his chest.] Hermes (from off screen): He also left a small pile of treasure on the living room rug.
Bender: Foul dragon, meet thy doom.
Turanga Munda: Would you like a napkin, Doctor? Zoidberg: Thank you. Leela: Satisfied, Zoidberg? My relationship with my parents is fine. Turanga Munda: Now, hold on, Leela. Maybe this torture collar is good for you. Leela: What? [ she is shocked.] Ow! Turanga Munda: It'll control your temper. Men like a woman who's not always slamming their head in the car door. Turanga Morris: She's right. That's what first attracted me to your mother. [He laughs and Leela's collar emits a shock.] Turanga Munda: So, Leela, I understand your friend here is a physician, and I'm not seeing a ring on his claw. Leela: Mom, he's a cockroach from outer space. [A large shock is dispensed and Leela screams.] Zoidberg: Good, Leela, work that anger out. Excuse me a moment, I'm swarming with parasites. [He sticks his fork under a flap on his chest and many bugs crawl around it. There is a knock on the window, Turanga Morris answers it.] Turanga Morris: Hey, it's what's-his-name from the surface. The bi-clops. Fry: Ha-have you seen Bender? He's gone nuts. Also, smell this milk.
Bender: Prepare for a surprise attack.
Zoidberg: Someone do something. Leela: I would, but... [She is shocked.] Ow! Take my collar off. Zoidberg: I can't, I'm still eating. [He shovels food into his mouth and Bender attacks him by smashing his head with the shield.] Help me, Leela.
Bender: I cast upon thee a spell of fireball! [He burps behind a lit candle in Leela's direction. The fireball sets the couch, then house on fire. Bender has them cornered and uses his arm as a bow to fire utensils at the group. The all struggle to dodge the shots, but a spoon strike Zoidberg in the forehead. Bender readies to fire a spork.] Zoidberg: No. Not the spork. Fry: [Standing in front of the group with a ladle in his hand.] Beholdeth, Titanius, I cast a freeze ray upon you. Bender: [He scoffs.] That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as a "freeze ray." What, you mean a cone of coldness? Fry: Yeah, that. Bender: No! No! Fancy men are defenseless against cone of coldness. [He acts like he's about to freeze.] I'm freezing... what? Ah! [His body goes ridged and falls over.] Fry: Bender, no. When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won't make you cool? Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'm a doctor. I'm sure the robut will be just fine with a little help.
Bender: Help, help. [Cut to reveal he's in a padded cell in a straight jacket.] (Echoing:) Help! [Cut to show the exterior of his cell. Cut to exterior shot of the HAL Institute - For Criminally Insane Robots.]
Dr. Perceptron: Please, send in the patient. Intercom Assistant: Yes, Doctor. [An arm extends out a pulls a lever on the desk. Bender falls from a door in the ceiling, still in the straight jacket, into a chair.] Bender: Wee! Dr. Perceptron: So, (Low monotone voice:) Bender, (Normal voice:)I understand you're having trouble separating fantasy from reality. Bender: Says who? Was it the bugbear? Is he talking about me again? Dr. Perceptron: I understand. Commence therapy. [He pushes a button on his clip board. A hammer comes down from the door in the ceiling and begins striking Bender on the head.] Tell me about your feelings. [The strikes from the hammer speed up.]
Fry: Poor Bender. Says here to tell his friends he's at a spa.
Amy: So what happened to Bender? Fry: He's at a spa. Amy: Wow, there's a spa in the nut house? Zoidberg: Friends, friends, stop everything. There's food in this shaker. [He begins sucking the salt out of a salt shaker, accidentally swallows it and sneezes mucus all Leela, who becomes angry and is administered a shock.] Leela: Ow! Enough already! Can you please remove this anger collar? Hermes: Are you still angry? Leela (Assuring): No. [She is shocked.] Ow! Hermes: It also shocks you when you lie. Farnsworth: Quiet, everyone. The network news is on and if I, a 165-year-old man, don't watch it, who will? Morbo: Thankfully, the amazing talking horse was rescued and safely returned to the meat department. Linda: [She laughs.] Turning to the less stupid portion of our broadcast, fuel prices hit an all-time high today due to the ongoing dark matter shortage. Morbo: Earlier, our own Morbo sat down with Mom, CEO of Mom's Friendly Multinational Energy Conglomerate.
Morbo: [He sips his tea.] Oh! Hello, Morbo the Annihilator, here, sitting down to a delightful tea in this fake living room set. (Shouting:) Thank you for joining us, Mom. Mom: My pleasure, sugarplum. Morbo: Mom, you control the world's only dark matter mine. Tell us, why are fuel prices so high? Mom: Oh! It's terrible, isn't it? Dark matter is just so rare nowadays, but we'll keep pinching loaf after loaf from the bowels of the earth, even if I lose money on every log. Morbo: If you are losing money, how did you post record profits last quarter?
Mom: You look thin, care for one of my famous pecan clusters? Morbo: [He reaches for one, but hesitates.] Morbo shouldn't. It will go straight to Morbo's gargantuan forehead. Oh, what the heck? I guess I could destroy one or two of them. [He devours the entire plate and all of the cookies.] Mom: Do people care enough to drill for dark matter even in an Alaskan wildlife refuge? People do. Farnsworth: Greedy old hag, taste the wrath of my fuzzy slipper. [He hurls the slipper toward the TV, but it doesn't make it and floats to the ground.] Leela: Professor, why are you so hot and dusty over this dark matter shortage? Farnsworth: Oohh... I bet you'd like to know. I bet you'd like to know, indeed.
Walt: Hello, Mother. How did the interview go? Mom: It made me want to puke my face off. Where's my Thigh Blaster? Larry: Right here, Mom. Mom: Shut up! Larry: Okay, thank you.
Mom: Burn, you damn thighs. Burn! Igner: Mommy, are you upset 'cause of the dark matter shortage? Mom: There is no shortage, you moronic ass-brain! Igner: There's not? But you said... Mom: [She sighs.] Allow me to explain. Suppose this hand represents current reserves of dark matter and this hand represents consumer demand. Igner: Uh-huh.
Farnsworth: I just bet you'd like to know why I'm so angry about this dark matter shortage. I bet very much you'd like to know. Amy: You're right, Professor. We would like to know. Farnsworth: Really? I didn't think anyone was interested. It all started 30-odd years ago. [Farnsworth starts a VO. Fade to a flashback of Farnsworth sitting at a desk. He is molding a chemistry model and Mom joins him, similar to the scene from Ghost.] I was working in Mom's laboratories for the third time after twice before realizing how evil she was and vowing never to work for her again. But somehow the rich, wrong stench of her boney charms kept calling me back.
Zoidberg: Don't stop, Professor. I'm getting aroused. [His mating fin rises.] Farnsworth: Back in those days, dark matter was just a worthless inert curiosity, and I was smashing it in a particle accelerator, in an ill-conceived attempt to create a more durable harpsichord wax. But, as Deepak Chopra taught us, quantum physics means anything can happen at any time for no reason. Also, eat plenty of oatmeal and animals never had a war. Who's the real animals? [Small pause.] And thus against all probabilities... it happened. [The dark matter particles in the particle accelerator begin colliding and exploding. A large explosion leaves only a single item - the single non-local metaparticle crystal. Younger Farnsworth: Dang! Farnsworth: I'm sure I don't need to explain that all dark matter in the universe is linked in the form of a single non-local meta-particle. Amy: Guhh! Stop patronizing us. Farnsworth: So, in one instant, I had transformed all dark matter everywhere into a new crystalline form... (Younger Farnsworth to Younger Mom:) ...making it the most potent fuel since primitive man first ignited mastodon flatulence to heat his cave. Younger Mom: I'm intrigued, Hubert. You have my undivided attention.
Younger Mom: Shut up, you milk-sucking leeches! A new super fuel, eh? We're rich. Younger Farnsworth: Indeed, we are. Younger Mom: Not you, we. Us, we. [A younger Wernstrom walks into her arm.] I'm getting back together with my ex-husband. Younger Farnsworth: Wernstrom ! Younger Wernstrom: You've been played, Farnsworth. Played like a cheap harpsichord. Younger Mom: Walt, fire that employee like Mommy taught you.
Leela: Professor, maybe I can help you get even with Mom. I spend most of my time thinking about how to get revenge on a bad boss. Fry: Me, too. Zoidberg: Ditto! Hermes: Likewise. Amy: I made a blinding powder. Farnsworth: Thanks, but that won't be necessary because I have the ultimate weapon. [Cut to the scene when the first crystal was created. A black crystal shoots out of the machine and Farnsworth puts it in his pocket. VO:] You see, in the instant the energy crystal was created, there also came into being an opposite crystal made of pure anti-backwards energy. ALL: Wow! Hermes: So? Farnsworth: So, this! If ever the two crystals should meet, their wave functions would collapse like Raymond Burr's trampoline, once again rendering all dark matter inert and useless as fuel. Hermes: But then we'll have no fuel. Farnsworth: But once we free society from dependence on Mom's dark matter, scientists will finally care enough to develop cleaner, alternative fuels. Fry: Scientists like you! Farnsworth: No, not me. I'm too busy developing makeup for dogs. That's where the money is. Leela: [Her collar is active during her rousing.] This is our chance to teach Mom a lesson. Come on! Let's take the anti-crystal and shove it up Mom's regular crystal. ALL: Yeah. Hermes: Fight the power! Farnsworth: There's just one, small problem, and it's a big one. I hid the crystal and I can't remember where. Hermes: Well, surely it's just a matter of waiting till you next move your bowels and then using a potato masher... Farnsworth: Don't you think I already tried that? No. I'm afraid, the crystal is lost forever.
Dwight: Nine? You did it. You outwitted the fungus. ALL: Woohoo! Chinese Boy: Who needs girls?
Dr. Perceptron: Since you have all proven resistant to individualized hammer therapy, I now prescribe group therapy.
Rosie: Everything must be clean, very clean. That's why the dog had to die. He was a dirty dog. Dirty, dirty. Also, that boy, Elroy. Dirty, dirty. Dr. Perceptron: Who would like to share their feelings? Intercom Assistant: I feel unappreciated at work. Dr. Perceptron: What? I can barely understand you. Intercom Assistant: I said I feel... Mad Hatterbot: Change places.
Roberto: Well, well. Looks like old Roberto is the focus of attention now. Stop looking at me. [He makes his "knifing" noises.] Dr. Perceptron: Calm down, Roberto. Tell us about your childhood. Roberto: I was designed by a team of engineers attempting to build an insane robot. But it seems they failed. Convenience Store Bot: Um, actually... [He coughs up some candy bars.] Bender: Look, we have to accept the fact that we all have a serious problem. And if we ever wanna get out of here, the first step is to admit it. Roberto: Amen. Dr. Perceptron: Good, Bender. Rosie: That's right.
Roberto: Say what? Dude's crazy. Dr. Perceptron: Bender, please, try to... Bender: I know not of this Bender. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood. Dr. Perceptron: You are suffering a breakdown. Now stop. Hammer time. [He pushes a button and a hammer smashes his glass head.] I'm in your seat. I forgot we had changed places. Mad Hatterbot: Change places? [His body is trampled by running robots.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Amy: You perfected dog mascara? Farnsworth: Far from it. If you ask me, they look like a bunch of hookers. But what I have invented is a means of locating the missing crystal. [Everybody gasps.] When I push this button, the crystal will emit a high-frequency stink. Zoidberg: [He is putting on eye mascara.] Hurray! Farnsworth: There. Now, with any luck I'll detect it with my smelling aid. [He sticks a device in his nose and it begins beeping.] I just pray to all powerful Atheismo that we find it before Mom does. Hermes: Do you smell the crystal, Professor? Farnsworth: No, damn it! Just the alluring scent of Obsession for spaniels.
Dwight: Dude. Who whipped an egger? CubertHe who smelled it, dealt it. Dwight: Yeah? Well, he who denied it, supplied it. Cubert: Well, he who articulated it, particulated it. Dwight: Well, he who refuted it, tooted it. Cubert: Stalemate.
Mom: Jesus craps. The anti-backwards crystal.
Larry: Ow! Ah... sorry? Mom: Relax, it's not your fault. [She slaps him again.] I can't believe it still exists. Google the hell out of that skanker. [The map zooms into Planet Express.] Planet-sucking-Express? Of course. How could I have been so dumb? [She slaps herself.] With that crystal, Farnsworth could completely destroy my dark matter empire. I underestimated that sagging old bag of bones and gonads. Inger: Is that man bad? Mom: Very bad, Igner. And that's why I need you three to go steal the anti-crystal away from him. But be careful. You'll need all your stoogely cunning.
Walt: Exterminators. Fry: Oh, great. What do we got? Wall gophers? Toilet snails? Walt: No, I'm afraid you've got owls. Over there, see?
Igner: Ow! Walt: Dump the bag, you nitwit.
Larry: Hey, watch it. [He holds up a mouse trap.] Walt: Quiet, you. [He gets his hand caught in the mouse trap.] Ow! Fry: I was looking over there for a long time but I didn't see any... Oh, there they are. Gross. Walt: We've got to act fast. Larry, get out the geigersniffer. Larry: I don't know, Walt. You're just gonna hit me with it. Walt: No. I'm going to hit you with this. [Walt hits Larry's shield on his mask and knocks him over. Cut to the lounge, the three can still be head in the background as Leela and Amy sit on the couch. Fry enters.] Fry: Those three exterminators are hilarious. Amy: Really? I don't think so. Leela: Me, neither. Now, Sex and the City, that's funny.
Dwight: After wandering aimlessly in the swamp, you suddenly... [He rolls the dice.] wander aimlessly in the swamp.
Walt: There it is. [Larry and Igner walk into him after he has stopped.] Cubert: Uh, excuse you as you apparently didn't notice, we're trying to traverse the Quagmire of Slogdonia. Walt: I'm sorry, little boy. You see, we're owl exterminators. Igner: We are owl extermin... [Larry pulls the ladder back and lets it hit Igner in the head.] Ow! Walt: And what we have here is an owl egg that's about to hatch into an owl larva. So, if you don't mind, we'll just take this and... Cubert: [He scoffs.] What are you, stupid? That's a dodecahedral crystal I found hidden in the downstairs walrus tank. Dwight: And I wrote numbers on it so we could use it as a D12, 'cause I have the best handwriting. Cubert: Do not. Dwight: Do too. Cubert: Do not. Dwight: Do too. Cubert: You win this round.
Farnsworth: What's going on here? Igner: We're owl exterminators. Farnsworth: Oh? Then you won't have any problem exterminating this owl.
Farnsworth: My anti-backwards crystal. So it's you three. I should have known Mom would send her brainless brood to do her dirty work. Walt, the leader among imbeciles. Walt: Hey! They resent that. Farnsworth: Larry, the sniveling middle child. Larry: Sorry. Thank you. Farnsworth: And you, Igner. The evil I could tolerate, but the stupidity... [He shudders.] Igner: We're owl exterminators. Farnsworth: Good God. Just knowing we're in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo. [The boys start laughing.] Now, get out and tell Mom thanks for the crystal. [He laughs while staring at the crystal. Cut to the three brothers standing in front of Mom.] Igner: Thanks for the crystal.
Fry: There. The repairs are complete. Farnsworth: [He honks the horn.] Let's go, already. We've got to infiltrate Mom's dark matter mine, now. How do you start this thing? [Fry ducks out of the way as flames shoot out of the thrusters. Cut to a shot of Leela sifting through Nibbler's litter box. Farnsworth honks the honk again.] Good Lord, woman. Can you move any slower? [He honks the horn again.] Rake up some dark matter and top off the tank. Leela: Well, there isn't any dark matter. Nibbler hasn't pooped at all. And he ate a whole family of koalas last night. Nibbler! Nibbler! Farnsworth: I'm not interested in the whereabouts of your cutesy-fruitsy space rat. The only thing that matters right now is this crystal. [He throws the crystal at Leela's head.] Leela: Ow! Farnsworth: And be careful with that crystal. [The ship takes off.]
Bender: (Muffled chanting.) [Dr. Perceptron removes the tap from his mouth.] Death to ogres! [He put the tape back on.] Dr. Perceptron: Even relaxation therapy has failed. Diagnosis, insanity. Nurse, schedule a robotomy for Bender. Nurse Ratchet: Yes, Doctor. I'll get the tools from the shed. Dr. Perceptron: It's a very painful procedure. So until then, just try to relax.
Mom: What are you laughing at? Larry: Your laugh. It's just so infectious. Mom: So's herpes. Now, shut up! You and Walt, lead the killbots to the surface and blow Farnsworth out of the sky. Walt: What about Igner? Mom: That hairless ape? I swear. When he came out I flipped a coin whether to keep him or the after-birth. Walt: Yes, Mother. You told that story at his graduation. Mom: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Igner I've never told anyone. And here it is.
Walt: Continue returning fire. Killbot 1: [He turns to them while firing.] What? Killbot 2: [He turns around while firing too.] What did they say? Killbot 1: I don't know. I can't hear a thing. Killbot 3: [He turns around as well.] Hey, what's everybody talking about?
Farnsworth: Mayday! Mayday! [Walt and Larry flee from the defence line.] Oh, God. I cannot believe this is the best plan I could come up with. [The ship crashes just in front of the Killbots. Pull back to reveal Farnsworth holding a controller. He flicks a switch and a light goes off. Fry and Leela sit in the snow bank with him.] We weren't actually in the ship.
Leela: Okay, team, these red-hot, razor-sharp fans are the only safe way into the mine. Fry: Hmm, uh, ladies first. [She pushes him through the blades, picks up Farnsworth and hops through. They're walking through a tunnel.] Phew! That blade missed me by the skin of my pants. [His pants have been cut open. The crew throw their jackets into a bin labelled "CLOTHES FOR THE GREEDY." Farnsworth presses the call button on a maintenance elevator.] Elevator Steward: Maintenance shaft 7 serving... Farnsworth: Shut your mouth. Elevator Steward: I'm just talking about the shaft.
Fry: Jeez, doesn't that shock collar hurt? Leela: Actually, feels kind of good. I guess I'm starting to associate it with the pleasure of beating people up.
Walt: We shot them down, Mother. The intruders never even got to Sector 1 . Security Woman (on PA): Intruders in Sector 15. Intruders in Sector 15. Mom: Ugh... Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to slap you. [She slaps them twice.] (on PA:) All Killbots to Sector 15.
Killbot 1: [He turns to the other Killbot and shoots him.] What did she say? Killbot 2: [He turns to the other Killbot and shoots him.]What did you say? [The two of them stay position towards each other and eventually destroy themselves. Fry, Farnsworth and Leela dash by their bodies. Another view of a hallway shows balls of Dark Matter being transported through tubes.] Fry: There are so many killbots behind us I can't count them all. Three, I think.
Leela: We're trapped. Farnsworth: The main pit must be in here. I'm detecting vast quantities of Dark Matter. Leela: Step aside turkey-neck. I think I know the code. [She punches the keypad and the door opens. They get in and slam it shut before the Killbots spot them.] Farnsworth: We're in. We're in the heart of the mine. The very source of all Mom's wealth and... [He lets out a long winded, girly scream. Pull away from them at the door down a huge room with caged Nibblonians occupying it. There are more floors featuring the same thing above and below. Cut to shots of the caged Nibblonians, their poop is being harvested and transported through clear pipes.] Leela: My God! This isn't a crap mine. It's a crap farm. Fry: Is there really so much of a distinction? I mean... 'Nibbler: (From offscreen:)Leela, it's me, Nibbler.
Leela: Oh, my God, you look horrible, Nibbler. I think I'm going to vomit. Nibblonian: Nibbler is over there. Leela: Oh, sorry. Nibbler! Oh, my poor little snuzzy-wuzzams. Are they treating you okay? Nibbler: No, they are force-feeding us so we poop more dark matter. It's horrible. [A chime tings and chickens fly out of a hole at the rear of his cage and he "reluctantly" eats them whole then belches.] Those are good. You've got to help us. Nibblonians: Help us! Nibblonian: Help us, for God's sakes!
Leela: Nibbler made a bo-bo. Nibbler: Yes, but not on my terms. I will not be treated like... Hey, wait, aren't you amazed I can speak? Fry: Well, actually, no. You forgot to blank our memories after you spoke last time. Nibbler: You mean you've known I was sentient? Then why did you let me eat Friskies and make bo-bo in a litter box? Fry: Well, you're cuter that way. Farnsworth: Cute as a baby's buttocks. Leela: So what happened? How did Mom capture all you Nibblonians? Nibbler: [He sighs.] It all began 36 years ago... [He looks at his watch.] Now! On the planet Vergon 6. [Fade to the surface of Vergon 6. There are many animals moving around.] (VO:) It was a veritable Eden, brimming with unique and irreplaceable species. [Nibbler eats a tortoise looking animal.] Most of which were delicious. [he belches up the animal's shell.] I was Supreme Fuzzler of a Nibblonian scientific outpost. It was paradise, until they came. One of your DOOP ships struck dark matter, little realizing it was not a natural deposit, but rather centuries of Nibblonian fecal material. Fry: Wow, the big fecal enchilada. Anyone else hungry? Nibbler: The DOOP contracted a ruthless businesswoman to spearhead the mining operation. Leela: Let me guess. Mom? Nibbler: The very same. Fry: Can I also guess Mom? Nibbler: To reduce cost she started a new enterprise, Mom's Friendly Robots, to build robot slaves. Remember this was back in the days before Robot Lincoln. Mom: Faster, faster! Robot Slave: I'm going exactly as fast as you built me to go. Mom: Oh, wise guy, huh?
Robot Slave: Ow! Nibbler: Eventually, the planet was mined down to a hollow shell and my people were forced to evacuate. [A Nibblonian ship is shown leaving the planet. Pan over to see Nibbler squatting down in some plants.] Alas, I had eaten a day-old Swinosaur for lunch. And while doing some evacuating of my own, I was left behind. [He makes noises that often accompany bowel movements. Mom is watching him Mom: So, that's where it comes from. We may have a whole new source of Dark Matter on our hands. Igner: Eww! Nibbler: As it turned out I was the lucky one. [The Nibblonian ship is seen entering Mom's ship.] Unbeknownst to me, Mom captured my colleagues and enslaved them here in this... this... crap farm. Nibblonian: There's nothing to do but eat and crap, eat and crap. It's like visiting my parents. Nibbler: As for me, I emerged from behind the "bush of many uses" to find I had been left behind. I was doomed, doomed. [Scene from Loves Labours Lost in Space] Leela: Hello, there. Nibbler: Startled, my cuteness reflex kicked in. Leela: I'll call him Nibbler. Nibbler: A silly name for a high-ranking Fuzzler. But, hey, I was glad to be rescued. [Flashback Nibbler watches Vergon 6 explode.] Leela: But then, how did you end up here with the others? Nibbler: I was kidnapped yesterday by Mom's vile sons in their moronic disguises. Igner: I was an owl exterminator. [They turn around. Igner is pointing a gun at them.] Do you have the crysal? Farnsworth: It's pronounced "crystal," you lump.
Igner: Go, run fast. [He points at the large pipe labelled "Primary Chicken Valve." A marching is heard and the door opens. Walt, Larry and many Killbots enter the room.] Walt: Did you see anyone? Igner: Me? Walt: Yes, you. You're the only one here. Igner: If I'm the only one here, then how could I see anyone? Larry: He's got a point, Walt. Walt: So does my knee.
Fry: This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the chickens.
Nurse Ratchet: Don't worry, those clamps are for my own protection. Dr. Perceptron: Do you know where you are, Bender? Bender: Sure do, I'm in the magical land of Cornwood, frolicking with wenches. Dr. Perceptron: Close. You're in the loony bin for a robotomy. I will begin by drilling through the eye to access the frontal processor. [He begins drilling through Bender's eye.] Nurse Ratchet: Can't you just use the access panel? Dr. Perceptron: Either way is fine. Bender: [He sniffs.] Does anyone else smell burning dragon beak?
Mom: Wherever you are, Farnsworth, my boys will find you. [She pans over the security monitors on her desk. Her three sons approach her.] Walt: They've eluded us, Mother. But rest assured, we've already slapped each other, so there's no need to... [She triple slams them.] Mom: You'll thank me some day when you are slapping your own kids. [She walks over to the single non-local metaparticle crystal.] I know Farnsworth's game. He is going to try to poke his clammy old crystal at my hot fiery crystal. Larry: Mom ! Mom: If the crystals get within six inches of each other... [She slaps Larry.] Wham! All my dark matter will be worthless.
Mom: Get them!
Leela: Keep going, Professor. I'll take care of the ditz brothers. [She swings over to the top of the incline the brothers are trying to scale and slide down, boot first, at them. She kicks them and then slides across the icy floor. The collar is emitting a shock.] Ooh. That feels good. Mom: Oh, for crying out... [She fires at Farnsworth, but the shots quickly whither away to nothing.] Oh, the freaking battery's dead. Walt, where's the charger? Walt: In the hardware drawer, Mother. [Leela punches him and she is shocked.] Mom: Damn tangled mess of wires. Farnsworth: We're almost there. The crystals are beginning to engorge. [Cut to Nibbler. The glow from a ball of Dark Matter can be seen in his belly. All the balls being harvested from the other Nibblonians are also emitting a pulsing glow. Cut to a Dark Matter station. The individual nozzles are glowing. Cut to Bender, who is still being drilled into. His chest, which is filled with spheres of Dark Matter, is also glowing. Cut back to Mom's office. Leela and the brothers are trying to battle on ice, Mom is trying to untangle the charger and Fry is hanging onto Farnsworth as he leans closer to the single non-local metaparticle crystal.] I can't quite reach. Fry, grab onto my easy-fit waistband. Just a few more inches. Come on, really wedgie it on in there. [Fry pulls harder on the underpants and they rip, sending Farnsworth toward the ground. He, somehow, lands on his feet.] So, that's why they call me the Catman. [Fry lands behind him.] Mom: Nobody move. I've found the charger. [She clicks the trigger twice and nothing happens.] Hang on. I'm on it. Okay, there! Fry: Save us, Catman. Mom: It's over, Hubert. Give me the anti-backwards crystal. Farnsworth: Never! [He eats the crystal and begins to chuckle. The crystal glows in his stomach, along with the keys to the ship.] Mom: Oh, bravo. You're in a crap-harvesting factory, genius. Walt! Larry! Start harvesting. [Walt picks up a large syringe labelled "Prunes" and Larry picks up a bucket.] Farsnworth: No! [Mom laughs.]
Dr. Perceptron: I will now delicately jerk out your imagination, severing fantasy's grip on your nerd-circuit. Bender: Cornwood! [Purple waves expanding from Bender's head fills the screen and Bender vanishes in a bright flash.] Dr. Perceptron: Illogical. Illogical. Computational overload. Nurse Rachet: But, Doctor, I love you. [Dr. Perceptron's head explodes.]
Mom: Oh, what now?
Frydo: This is crazy. Ow! What the... You okay, Leela? Leegola: Yeah, I think so. Frydo: Wait a second. Is there something different about your hooves? [He gasps.] Leegola: Oh, Lord. I'm half-horse and half-naked. Frydo: Where the hell are we, hell?
Frydo: Bender? Titanius Anglesmith: I know not of this Bender. I'm Titanius Anglesmith. Welcome to Cornwood!
Titanius Anglesmith: Wretched peasants, put aside your cares and feast on the succulent flesh of the roast munchkin!
Peasent Cook: Care for a slice of scroto? Frydo: Uh... that's his name, right? Peasent Cook: 'Tis also that, sir. Titanius Anglesmith: We're honored this eve by a visit from my friends of old, Frydo and Leegola. So let the dwarves do their gay dance and let the gnomes play their sissy piccolos. [They begin dancing and music is played.] Dance! Dance, you little freaks. Faster. [The music speeds up.] Faster! [The dancing and music speeds up more and a dwarf trips and falls toward Titanius Anglesmith.] Dwarf: My ankle! Titanius Anglesmith: To the kitchen with him ! Dwarf: Wait! Wait! Wait! I do impressions. Behold! The swamp hag: "Get out of my swamp, you kids!" Titanius Anglesmith: Don't let him get too crispy. Calculon: Lord Anglesmith. Titanius Anglesmith: You have ridden hard, noble squire. May I offer you a horn of ale and a shank of dwarf? Calculon: 'Tis dire news, sire. Dark riders approach. Titanius Anglesmith: [He gasps.] You shall be handsomely rewarded, sir knight. We ride at once! [He pulls one of two ropes in front of a sign labelled "Drawbridge" and Calculon is squished by the drawbridge.] Oops! [He pulls the second rope and the drawbridge flips over to the other side.] Frydo! Saddle up that trusty steed.
Frydo: What's happening? And why am I enjoying it so much? Titanius Anglesmith: Foul beast-bags! Meet thy doom!
Waltazar: Follow me.
Waltazar: Damn thee, Ignus. Ignus: Well, you said to follow you. Waltazar: Well, now I say follow this! [He hits Larius with the handle of his lance. Frydo falls to the ground and drops the Die of Power on the ground.] Larius: The Die of Power! He's rolling it. Waltazar: Oh, no! Titanius Anglesmith: I'm back bab-... [He gasps and falls to his knees as he watches the die roll.] Die of Power: Seven. [An appendix comes out of the die and the seventh attack is "Banish Foes."] Titanius Anglesmith: "Banish foes"? Cool. Waltazar: No! No!
Larius: I got to say, I had no idea the Die of Power was so powerful. Waltazar: Did you have any idea of... [He backhands Larius.] Swamp Hag: Get out of my swamp, you kids!
Leegola: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was really exciting. I've never felt so alive. [Frydo makes death noises.] What else can we slay? Is that a hobbit over there? Titanius Anglesmith: No, that's a hobo and a rabbit. But they're making a hobbit. Frydo: Thank God, an outhouse. I can't hold it in much longer. And by it, I mean my entrails. Titanius Anglesmith: Hush! This be no outhouse, but the lair of the great wizard Grayfarn.
Greyfarn: Who is it? [He opens the door.] Titanius Anglesmith: 'Tis I, Titanius. Greyfarn: Just a moment. [He closes the door.] Titanius Anglesmith: [He shakes his head and makes a disgusted noise.] Methinks the wizard be casting a powerful spell, indeed.
Greyfarn: Come in! Come in! Yes. 'Tis a powerful object in both our worlds. If you failed to destroy it in yours, perhaps you were brought here that you might have a second chance. Frydo: So, this land is real? Greyfarn: Oh, dreadfully real. If you die here, you'll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus-pocus. It's like Kansas. Leegola: God help us. Greyfarn: Cornwood's troubles began hundreds or perhaps millions of years ago. (VO:) Deep in the Geysers of Gygax, Momon herself injection-molded the Dice of Power from the living plastic. Momon (in flashback): [She picks up the freshly molded dice and begins laughing.] Damn, these are hot. Leegola: Ah ha! In our universe she's called Mom. Greyfarn: In your universe, are you taught not to interrupt? Evidently not. Anyway, Momon spawned three rotten sons, whom you've already had the displeasure of meeting. Waltazar, Larius, and the dumbest of all, the halfwit Ignus, bastard son of Momon and the brainless He-demon. Curse you, Momon, queen of all that is evil and not very good in bed. And I'm not just saying that because she dumped me. [Fade to flashback. Momon is plucking her eyebrows with a scorpion while Greyfarn is playing a euchalali.] (VO:) Yes, I was once her consort. I was blinded by love, and later, scorpion venom. [Momon squirts venom in his eyes.] I'm blind! (Out of flashback:) But Momon has one weakness. She put too much of her power into this. The generalissimo of dice. [He places the black Die of Power on a table.] Titanius Anglesmith: Yeah? Well, bite my shiny metal face. [He slams his face against the die and the table.] Greyfarn: Don't be foolish, Titanius. If you had paid attention in freshman alchemy, instead of frequenting the bawdyhouse, you'd know there's only one way to destroy it. In the boiling plastic from which it was molded. Frydo: Like that machine that makes wax lions at the zoo. Greyfarn: Quiet, you. We must infiltrate the Geysers of Gygax, the impenetrable stronghold of Momon. Titanius Anglesmith: Impossible. Impossible, I say. Greyfarn: No, Titanius. For we maintain one advantage, the element of surprise. [Pan over to the die, Momon is watching through it while laughing.]
Titanius Anglesmith: Verily, our quest has begun. Hermaphrodite: Stop right there.
Frydo: Hermes? Leegola: He's a centaur like me. Frydo: You wish. Hermaphrodite: I am Hermaphrodite, most beautiful of centaurs. Gaze upon me and weep at my loveliness. Greyfarn: Very well. Titanius Anglesmith: Loveliest of centaurs, we seek to end Momon's reign of evil. Have you stout fighters at your command? Hermaphrodite: One thousand archers of truest aim. [Pan over to many archers standing on a hill.] Fire! Titanius Anglesmith: Hey guys, I forgot I had this pumpkin. [He holds up the pumpkin and the archers' arrows carve it into a sculpture of Titanius. One more arrow comes in on fire and lights the jack-o-lantern.] Leegola: I knew it. My people are mighty warriors. Our enemies will be like Swiss cheese with blood coming out of the holes.
Female Centaur: We centaurs are creatures of peace. Leegola: Oh, Lord. Hermaphrodite: Violence is never justified. We shall not join your quest. And furthermore, if mayhem be your intent, you may not cross our lands. Leegola: Or what? Hermaphrodite: [He is intimidated.] Or... Uh... Mmm? [Softly.] You may pass.
Greyfarn: We're not there, we're here. Titanius Anglesmith: No, this way. Greyfarn: I mean, here.
Greyfarn: Thank you, kindly, Treedledum. Treedledum: Okey-doke. Anything else I can do?
Leegola: You know who I'm gonna miss? That tree guy.
Greyfarn: Bad news, fancy men. Momon's guards stand watch at the pass. 'Tis as if she somehow anticipated us. Titanius Anglesmith: And so our quest comes to an end. I only regret not giving up sooner. Greyfarn: Fret not, Titanius. For we still have one hope, the Cave of Hopelessness. Titanius Anglesmith: Let me know how that turns out.
Ogre: Halt. Are you on the list? I'm not seeing you on the list. Leegola: I'll split this doofus in half. Titanius Anglesmith: Wait, I got it. Yeah. My cousin's in the band. The band of merry men. Please, we were already in there. I just need to go back for my coat.
Gynecaladriel: I am Gynecaladriel, queen of the water nymphos. Leegola: All right. I'll split this doofus in half. Gynecaladriel: Stand aside and I will use my powers to overwhelm the guard. [Time cut, the four of them are standing at the entrance. Gynecaladriel walks out from behind a bush where the ogre is asleep and ties up her top.] Behold, the deed is done. Titanius Anglesmith: Hi oh!
Frydo: Mr. Wizard, why is this place called the Cave of Hopelessness? Greyfarn: Oh, fear not, lad. 'Tis named for its discoverer, Reginald Hopelessness... Frydo: Whew! Greyfarn: ...the first man to be eaten alive by the Tunneling Horror.
Frydo: What's that? The Tunneling Horror? Gynecaladriel: No, it's morcs. Morcs: Hey, listen. Nanu, nanu. Shazbot. Titanius Anglesmith: Oh, God, no. They're so aggravating.
Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Nanu, nanu. Reality, what a concept. Fantastic. [During the killing, Gynecaladriel ends up kissing a mork.] Mindy, Mindy, Mindy. Gynecaladriel: Shut up! Shut up! Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Oh, fantastic. Oh, wonderful. Frydo: Maybe it'll go away if we just don't laugh at it. Titanius Anglesmith: It doesn't.
Morcs: Nanu, nanu. [Leegola turns away from the tunnel.] Oh, shazbot. [She kicks the last mork with her back hooves.] Frydo: Well, at least we didn't have to face the tunneling whatchimacallit. [The cave begins to shake.] Uh-oh.
Zoidberg: Enough already with the banging and the swashbuckling.
Leegola: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you. [she shoots an arrow into his chest and he snaps it off.] Zoidberg: Watch where you're shooting that thing. [She shoots him again.] Again? What, am I talking to myself over here? Leegola: Mutilate! [She draws her sword and begins stabbing his belly.] Zoidberg: Okay. Now, I'm getting a little mad even.
Leegola: I'll kill you and eat your heart, you abomination. [She slices his chest open, pulls out his heart and tears a chunk out with her teeth.] Zoidberg: [He laughs.] Don't make me laugh. The very idea that removing only one of my two hearts could... Hey, what are you doing down there? [Leegola pulls out his second heart and drops it.] Now, I'm dead. [He falls to the ground, but Leegola is still stabbing him.] Frydo: Leela, it's over. You killed him enough. Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror. Zoidberg: What? I'm not the Tunneling Horror. I hate that guy. Always with the tunneling. Anyway, I'm dead. [He lays back down.] Leegola: So, you're just an innocent monster. Oh, God. What have I done?
Zoidberg: Oh! There he goes again.
Titanius Anglesmith: The Tunneling Horror! [He turns to the side and vomits nuts and bolts.] Frydo: Greyfarn, what do we do? Greyfarn: [He is making out with Gynecaladriel.] Do about what?
Frydo: Why aren't you killing it, Leela? You love killing. Leegola: No, no more killing. Zoidberg: Oh! So, suddenly, Miss Goody Four-shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago. What am I? Chopped liver? Leegola: Shut up. [She slashes into his chest.] Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver. Leegola: You're on your own. (Sobbing:) I refuse to hurt another living thing. [She throws her sword behind her and it decapitates Zoidberg. She then gallops out of the cave. Frydo turns to look at Titanius Anglesmith getting thrashed around against the walls.] Frydo: All right. I may be weak and I may be small, but I don't see how I can possibly destroy that monster. Guess I'll just huck whatever's in my pockets at him. At least I can say I tried. Titanius Anglesmith: Any time now.
Frydo: The Die of Power. I forgot to remember to roll it.
Die of Power: Three. Frydo: "Grow?" I don't see anything growing. Everything is getting smaller. [Frydo rips through his clothes and shoes as he grows in size then hits his head on the ceiling of the cave.] Ow. Wait a second. I'm big! In your face, everyone from middle school especially Jeremy. [He grabs the Tunneling Horror and begins punching it in the back, eventually punching a hole right through it. When he pulls his fist out air escapes from the creature and it shrinks down to the size of a normal bug and scampers to a hold in the wall. Frydo then shrinks back to normal size while laughing, his pitch matches his size.] Wow, that was intense. You guys got to try the Die of Power. Titanius Anglesmith: I'll take a hit. Frydo: Hands off the dodecalicious. [He snarls at Titanius Anglesmith and protects the die.] Greyfarn: Beware, Frydo. Don't be seduced. Hang on a second. [He kisses Gynecaladriel.] Resist the allure of the die. For to defeat Momon, we must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came.
Greyfarn: For to defeat Momon, we must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came.
Momon: I send you to kill them and they're not even maimed? That's what I get for sending boys to do a mom's job. Larius: Sorry, Mom. Momon: Sorry doesn't put heads on my table. Peaches. [An ogre comes out of a tunnel.] You're up.
Ignus: I like this part but I don't like...
Centaur Opponent: You are an able opponent, Hermaphrodite. But hear me well when I posit that we must abhor violence in all its forms.
Hermaphrodite: I offer a dissenting opinion. ALL: [A gasp-like "huh?"] Hermaphrodite: For abhorring violence is itself an act of violence and, therefore, to be abhorred. [The crowd cheers.] All bow before mighty Hermaphrodite. [Leegola walks up to him and he is scared.] Ah! Don't hurt me. Leegola: I'm not here to hurt you. Or anything ever again. Please, teach me the centaurs' ways of wimpiness. Hermaphrodite: What do you offer in return?
Titanius Anglesmith: Yes! We made it out of that godforsaken cave. Now, what's the fastest way home? Back through the cave? [Greyfarn hits him in the head with his staff.] Ow! [His eye shield falls from its mounted position.] Ow!
Greyfarn: We're close now, my friends. So close, I can practically feel the heat of the fiery molten plastic. Gynecaladriel: You're standing in the fire. Greyfarn: Oh, my. [He yelps and walks out of the fire.] Alas, our path is blocked by Momon's army of evil. As well as her navy of moral dubiousness. Titanius Anglesmith: Wait a second. Mayhaps we might raise an army of our own. We're but an hour's ride from Wipe Castle. Greyfarn: Of course. Wipe Castle. And while we're there, we can get some of those greasy little dwarf burgers. Gynecaladriel: Ooh! I love those. You can eat like eight of them without gaining any weight because of all the diarrhea. Greyfarn: Sleep deep, fair snoozles. At dawn, we ride for Wipe Castle. [Frydo howls in front of the moon.] Quiet, Frydo. [He howls again, but softer.]
Momon: We've got them now. Send all our forces against Wipe Castle. Waltazar: Right away, Mother. I'll just leave a small contingent behind in case... Momon: I said, everything. Peaches! Peaches (offscreen): I'm in the tub. Momon: Waltazar, you and Larius shall lead the assault. Waltazar: What about Ignus? Momon: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Ignus I've never told anyone. And here it is.
Momon: It's a good day to be evil. [She begins laughing, followed by Waltazar and Larius. Peaches joins in too.] Oh, put a towel on, for crap's sake. [She slaps him.]
Frydo: They all wants it. They wants the dodecalicious.
Reflection Host: Tell you what, you want to defend a magic artifact, and I mean, defend it good, then what you need is a top-quality knife. Frydo: Me is listening.
Reflection Host: The Eviscerator is one of the finest, if not the finest, tactical folder on the market today. We're talking 440 stainless, quick release and... I don't believe this. Is this a stag horn handle at this price? Reflection Host 2: It is, yeah. It's a stag horn. Reflection Host: At this price? You have got to be kidding me. That's got to be some kind of mistake, right there. Reflection Host 2: Now, you folks at home, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, that can't be stag horn. It's got to be the cheaper manticore horn. But, I've got the specs right here and I'll tell you what, this is the real deal. Reflection Host: Unbelievable. Reflection Host 2: It is unbelievable. That's exactly what it is. I mean, this is... I have no words to describe this deal. Honestly, have you ever seen stag horn at this price?
Reflection Host: No, no, I don't believe I ever have. Reflection Host 2: 1101-1816 is the item number on this one. Reflection Host: You know what, we're gonna have to put a clock on this deal, folks. Two minutes. Can I get a clock at two minutes up there? Reflection Host 2: Two minutes at most. Honestly, I'd be surprised if they last that long. Reflection Host: Oh, I'd be very surprised, shocked really. Now, I know the lines are busy, people, but keep dialing in if you want a truly exceptional knife to slice up your friends in their sleep.
Titanius Anglesmith: He tried to murder me. He tried... Woah, cool. Is that the stag horn?
Greyfarn: Alas, Frydo's weakness was no match for the die's strength. We can only hope he forges on alone to the Geysers. Titanius Anglesmith: I can hope my ass is made of ice-cream but that don't make me a hot fudge sundae. Greyfarn: As for us, we must press on to Wipe Castle, though the journey be long and I fear I may not live to see it. Gynecaladriel: There it is!
Frydo: They's following us's. Zoidberg Head: You know, you talk like that, it's gonna cost you points at a job interview. Frydo: What does it wants? Zoidberg Head: First of all, I resent being called "it." I prefer jerkhole or simply [Disgusted noise.] Second, I thought I could help you destroy the die, maybe. Frydo: (In his normal voice:) Yes, yes, please help me. The die is tearing me apart. (In his raspy voice:) No, it's not. We're having a nice time. (In his normal voice:) Shut up. (In his raspy voice:) You shut up. (In his normal voice:) S'all right? (In his raspy voice:) Who's a s'all right? (In his normal voice:) Help me! Swamp Hag: Get out of my swamp, you kids!
URL: Now, before your audience with the king, there's a shocking fact you best know about him. Titanius Anglesmith: Enough blabbety-blab! Open the doors. Roberto: What, ho? Titanius Anglesmith: We bring ill tidings, o fanciest of men. Momon's reach nears the die of power. And should she obtain it, she will then have the entire basic set. Rivers will run red with blood and yellow with urine. And a dog will be seen eating cat food in the land. Oh, great king, your army is the last hope of Cornwood. Let us join forces before the light of good is extinguished forever. Roberto: You calling me crazy? Just 'cause I've got a hotel in my foot don't make me a boogalee-moogalee-moogalee. Titanius Anglesmith: Pardon? Roberto: Stop laughing at me, fried avocado.
Titanius Anglesmith: Uh... moving along then. As the only nobleman present who's not... [He crosses his eyes and makes crazy noises.] ...I hereby place myself in command of the royal army. URL: What royal army would that be? Greyfarn: What? Smitty: King went insane and declared war on the scallops. Tied his army to a boulder and pushed them into the sea. They never returned. URL: Scallops must've got them. [Smitty nods.] Greyfarn: Oh, well. There'll be no epic battle today.
Titanius Anglesmith: Methinks we be boned. Larius: Where's their army? Waltazar: Maybe they didn't hear the horn. Blow it again. [He blows his horn.] URL: Man, I'll show that cat how to blow. [He starts up with his jazz number again, but is blows away by the air escaping a horn placed in front of him. Cut to the ogres rushing the castle. The pull the drawbridge down and cross it with a ram to knock the doors open.] Waltazar: All right. On three. One... Titanius Anglesmith: Two, three! [Waltazar is punched through the door by the ram.] Greyfarn: Oil in the murder hole.
Larius: [He stops and looks up at the murder hole.] What are they pouring through the murder hole? Hot oil? Yeah, I think it might be hot oil. [The steamy oil lands on him.]I knew it. I was right, Walt. It's hot oil.
Titanius Anglesmith: Ow. Roberto: [Running around through the ogres. He stops one of them.] What the... You're not made of Tuesday. [The ogre strikes Roberto over the head with his club.] My sanity. It's back. At last, I can live the life I always... [The ogre strikes him again.] AHH! Boogalee-moogalee-moogalee!
Man: Ow! [Another arrow is then shot.]
Leegola: What does it mean? Female Centaur: 'Tis as we feared. Evil will soon triumph over good. Hermaphrodite: Your friends face certain death. Followed by a disrespectful marionette show performed with their corpses. Leegola: No! We've got to do something. Hermaphrodite: Believe me, we will. We've taken out a sternly worded ad in tomorrow's Cornwood Times. [He holds up a news paper with the headline "There must be a better way" printed on it above a picture of an ogre being beheaded. Leegola kicks through the paper and everybody gasps.] Leegola: What a load of man-horse manure. Hermaphrodite: Well, Leegola, if you have a better idea, perhaps you'd like to challenge me to debate.
Frydo: I'm too exhausted. I can't go on. Zoidberg Head: I'm here for you, my friend. I'll drag you onward. Even to my last ounce of strength. Grab onto my testicles. Frydo: You know, I think maybe I can walk after all. 'Momon: (From the die:) That's not Wipe Castle. [She gasps.] The dodeca-call is coming from inside the house.
Zoidberg Head: What are you waiting for, Frydo? Throw it already in the boiling plastic. Frydo: I would. But... (In raspy voice:) Me's enjoys owning it. Zoidberg Head: Stop talking like that. It gives me anxiety. [He launches himself at Frydo and bites his tushie.] Frydo: Ow! Momon: No!
Die of Power: Twelve.
Frydo: So, it's all come down to this. A dungeon and dragons. Zoidberg Head: I didn't see it coming.
Ogres: Eat the wizard, eat the slut. Eat the robot's shiny butt Gynecaladriel: Well, at least we'll be remembered in song. Titanius Anglesmith: Wait a second. I have an idea. I surrender. Here, eat my friends. Just give me one more second of sweet, sweet life. [As the ogres stop, thousands of arrows strike them and all the ogres fall. Titanius is still holding up his two companions. He clears his throat.] Well, that worked out pretty good, eh, fellows?
Leegola: Prepare to fire again, brave cowards. Hermaphrodite: I still say, I won the debate. [Leegola strikes him in the stomach with a piece of wood.] Leegola: Fire. Ogre: Wuh-woah.
Remaining Ogre: Whew!
Gynecaladriel: Leegola, you saved us. How can I ever repay you? [She kisses Leegola, but it quickly turns into passionate kisses. A large eruption of the geysers breaks the kiss and they all gasp.] Greyfarn: Frydo is fighting for his life. The fate of Cornwood is in our hands. Quickly, to the Geysers. Titanius Anglesmith: [While watching Leegola and Gynecaladriel kiss.] Can it wait a couple of minutes? Greyfarn: Yes. Yes, it can.
Frydo: You are no match for my dragon style. [Momon breathes fire and Frydo ducks, but the fire burns his wings off.] I guess you are a match for my dragon style. Momon: Tell me, Frydo, are you aware that a dragon's one weakness is its soft underbelly? Frydo: No. Why do you... [She leaps and bites his belly. Frydo screams in pain.] Leegola: Get my friend out of your mouth. Titanius Anglesmith: It is all over, Momon. We'll soon be down there defeating you. And it's all thanks to the existence of this fragile staircase. [He laughs victoriously, then Momon stomps on the ground, causing the staircases on either side of them to disintegrate.] Whoa!
Ignus: Quick. Get on the magic bug. Greyfarn: It's not a magic bug, you dope. It's a magic arachnid. Can't you count the legs? Ignus: No. Greyfarn: Six, seven, eight. Not six, eight. I'll kill you, you imbecile.
Momon: My underbelly. My one weakness.
Zoidberg Head: [He picks up the die.] I got it. Now I can throw it in the hot thing over there and be the hero. On the other hand, infinite power might be nice.
Ignus: Please, I'm trying to help you. Greyfarn: Then why are you hitting me with a stick? How stupid are you that you think that's helping? Ignus: Mommy never told you about my father. Greyfarn: She said he was a foul He-demon. Ignus: Exactly. [He clicks off his lightsabre device.] You are my father. Greyfarn: No. No, that's impossible. Ignus: Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Greyfarn: No! [He hits his head with his staff.] No! [He hits his head with the staff again.] Ignus: Ya-huh! I heard Mommy say so.
Zoidberg Head: [While jumping and spinning between Frydo and Momon.] I have all the dice. I am the dungeon master. I know all and see... [He is squished by the falling Greyfarn. The die rolls away from him and Momon quickly snatches it up.] Momon: Game over. [She begins laughing and a purple blast expands from the Geysers of Gygax blowing the rocks around it apart. During her laugh, Momon starts coughing, but then continues laughing. The floor and pillars begin collapsing into the ground.] Frydo: No! No!
Mom: What happened?
Leela: My God, we're out of that weird, crazy world and back in our regular crazy world. Fry: Did we all just have some kind of freaky dream or was it ghosts? Farnsworth: Neither, Fry. It was science. Bender's mighty imagination amplified by a dark matter resonance created an alternate reality that very nearly blew our minds. Hermes: Exactly. You can't make that kind of stuff up. Mom: Quit trying to explain everything. I defeated you in that world and I'll defeat you in this one. Boys, the crystal’s still in his stomach. Walt: Commencing intestinal flash flood. Farnsworth: Wait! Before my moment of shame, can I... Mom: Yes, speak up.
Farnsworth: Can I give my boy a hug? Mom: All right. Fine. I've never done it. I guess somebody should. Inger: Daddy. [They hug.] Farnsworth: Like father, like son, eh, boy?
Igner: We both eated the crysals. [They giggle together.] Mom: No. No!
Mom: My dark matter. It's worthless. Farnsworth: That's right, Mom. But fear not, fancy folk for I've just thunk up an alternative energy source. Nibbler-power. Nibbler: Hurray. Wait. What?
Farnsworth: Mush! Mush! [He whips the Nibblonians.] Bender: Whip harder, Professor.
Farnsworth: Faster, [Whip] faster. [Whip] Slower. [Whip]
Garry Gygax: Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years? |