Bender Bending Rodriguez
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Movie Transcript: IWGY |
Into the Wild Green Yonder
Seth MacFarlane (singing): You and I will be reborn,
Bender: Wow, Mars Vegas. Long live the eternal city. Mr. Wong: Two, one, zero!
Bender: Rest in hell, Crapville!
Mrs. Wong: Out here in the desert, we’re gonna build bigger, better Vegas. Mr. Wong: Bathtubs size of oceans, hookers size of bouncers. Bender: [He blubbers.] Hamburger!
Worm Announcer: Stand clear of the closing jaws.
Bender: Yo, you need any girders bent, I know a guy. Amy Wong: So what's gonna be over there, Dad? Mr. Wong: That? That the oasis. [A bulldozer destroys a small area of trees and grass. A tree was missed, so a man sets it on fire with a flame thrower.] Future site of Oasis Hotel. [He laughs.] Take that, you stupid Mother Nature.
Frida Waterfall: Okay. Let's hit him hard. Feministas: This land is your land. This land is my land Fry: Who are you noisy women? Frida: I'm Frida Waterfall, leader of the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you man-doze this beautiful gyno-desert. Mr. Wong: Well, I'm Leo Wong, and I say, "Boom!"
Frida: Hey, what happened to my femi-necklace? And where's my mega-fem?
Professor Farnsworth: Is he badly hurt, Dr. Zoidberg? Zoidberg: I don't quite know how to say this. (Sobbing:) Fry is dead!
Zoidberg: Wait, not dead. The other thing. Mr. Wong: Damn eco-broads! You can't even spray for eagles without upsetting these kooks. [He sprays a tree and two eagles fall out, then a cave man falls out.] Leela: Now, hang on. Before you do construction, don't you have to make sure you're not harming any native species? Mr. Wong: You mean, cursory environmental survey? Already done! By top scientist.
Farnsworth: Err, what? Oh, my, yes. You've got the go-ahead, Mr. Wong. This place is deader than last year's cat. Leela: No, it's not! There's precious life right here in this scum puddle. [He holds up a desert muck leech.] Farnsworth: Ah! Cyprinodon martius. The desert muck leech. Amazingly, the entire species lives in this one tiny stink hole. (To Mr. Wong:) Killing these will be so much easier than exterminating those ponies.
Leela: Wait a second. Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve... [She pets the leech, it makes a noise and then it bites and clamps onto her neck.] Get off me! [She throws it to the ground.] Bender: I'll get it with my trusty foot cups: Stompy and Smashy.
Leela: No, don't kill it! We have to...
Mr. Wong: There. They're not endangered anymore. They're extinct. [He chuckles.] Leela: No, they're not. I saved this one. And I'm gonna raise it and care for it, so the world will forever know what it's lost. [The leech then bites her eye and she screams.] You freaking slime wad! [She pulls is off her eye and stomps on it, then stops.] No. I killed it. It was the last of its kind. [The creature comes back to life and bites onto her knee.] Mother-(bleep). Let go of me, you... [She holds her leg up and fries the leech with a laser from her Wristlomojacker.] Poor thing.
Mr. Wong: Tell you what, Fry. You all promise not to sue me, I give you token for free entry in poker tournament. [He slips a poker chip into Fry's pocket on his shirt while Fry is still somewhat unconscious.] He took it, you all saw it! Bender: Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. [Leela runs across the screen behind them, battling the leech still.] What's in it for me, Bender? Mr. Wong: Okay, okay. Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner and free tickets to Céline Dion. Bender: Lose the Céline Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal. Mr. Wong: All right, damnit, done!
Bender: All right, I scored.
Zoidberg: Look out, Vegas, I've got a system. [He inserts a quarter and pulls the lever while laughing. The rolls of the machine land on "OUT OF ORDER," "OUT OF ORDER" and "NO REFUNDS."] Oh. I'm bankrupt. Fry: [He chuckles.] You said it, Hermes. He is pathetic, but lovable. Hermes: Yup. What? I said no such thing, mon. Fry: I am not acting weird, Leela. Why is everyone talking at once? Leela: Fry, calm down and stop braining. Amy: Yeah, Fry, maybe you need to- Fry: You're right, Amy! Maybe I do need some fresh air. Bender: Man, I'm worried about him. But not enough to stop gambling for even a single second.
Three Leos on the Machine: You win, damnit!
Bender: [He laughs.] It's all in the wrist. [He unscrews his hand from his wrist and sucks up the quarters like a vacuum. He sucks quarters out of Farnsworth's pocket as well.]
Fry: Voices always yelling. Who - who said that? I'm not insane. Stop it. Stop talking in me!
Hutch Waterfall: Voices bothering you, man? I've been there. You need one of these doodangs. [He taps on his foil hat.] Fry (Over the chatter): A foil hat? Of course, he likes pastrami. What about the dog's testicles? [Hutch puts his foil hat on Fry's head and the voices quiet.] Hey, it worked. The voices stopped. Hutch: They've got a huge selection of carburetors... Hang on. Hang on. [He searches through a dumpster for a new hat and finds one with some pizza stuck to it.] That's better. My name's Hutch. Fry: Hi, Hutch. So what's with the obnoxious, shrieking voices? Are my fillings picking up The View? Hutch: No, man. Truth is, it's other people's thoughts. You're a mind reader. Fry: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Although, actually, it was sort of obvious. Hutch: You don't believe me? Take off the helmet. Fry: I believe you. Hutch: Seriously, do it. [Fry sighs and takes his hat off.] (Telepathically): Testing, testing. Do you read me? Fry (Telepathically): Loud and clear. Hutch: What? Fry: I said, "Loud and clear." Only I said it with my thinker, not my talker. Hutch: Whoa! Freaky. Why can't I read your thoughts? Fry: I don't know. Wait. What's that about a secret society? Hutch: Never mind that. Just keep the foil on and you'll be okay. Also, it'll keep the Dark Ones from incinerating your brain. Fry: That's a plus. Hutch: And don't ever, ever, ever tell anyone you can read minds, or the Dark Ones will get you like that. [He poorly snaps his fingers.] Hang on, pizza grease. Like that. [He snaps his fingers and Fry let's out a concerned wail.]
Clamps: Jeez, get a load of the batteries on her. I'd like to get my clamps on those. Give her a jump, you know what I mean? [He laughs alone.] Donbot: Whoa, whoa. Show some decorum there, Clamps. This ain't no strip show. This is a beguiling display of the pornographic arts. Joey Mousepad: Yo, Skip, I can see a guy's butt. Michael's Wife: Oh, Michael, this is the perfect end to a perfect honeymoon. Michael: I love you so much.
Bender: Is this seat taken? Michael: Actually, we... Bender: Slide me those chicken wings. So what part of Podunk you rubes from? Michael: The north-eastern.
Announcer: Monsieurs et mademoiselles, our circus of the senses now arrives by steamboat in New Orleans, circa 2873. The muted lament of a trombone resonates through the fog, which lingers even now, months after the attack of the fog monster. With but one hope of restoring Gearoticus to his throne, our sensual fate rests in the gyrations of... Fanny.
Bender: Oh. [He stops eating and watches Fanny move her fan around on stage. He stammers and his eyes extend out of his head to zoom in. They extend out farther, then his antenna extends and the woman next to him gasps.]
Fanny: Yes? Bender: I'm Bender. Let's do it. [He holds out the flowers.]
Donbot: Who is it, the Feds? Bender: [He gasps.] Aren't you the Donbot, head of the Robot Mafia? Donbot: Allegedly. And this is my beloved wife, Fanny, whose honor I would proudly defend with a power drill. Well, I gotta go drown a stoolie.
Donbot: I'm gonna be in here a while, so do me a favor and drive my wife home. It's one of them self-driving cars, so just sit in the back and do whatever.
Fanny: Oh, Bender, your lips are intoxicating. It's like kissing an ashtray full of hot wings.
Bender (As if he were speaking through a fan): Aww yeahh!
Fry (Telepathically): My God, I really can read minds. I have a superpower! There must be something great I can do with this.
Fry: Hello, ladies, I can read your thoughts. [Punches are heard and Fry is thrown out of the room.] Oh, wait, that's invisibility.
Fry (Telepathically): Poker. With my mind-reading abilities and my invisibility... Wait, no, just the mind reading. I can't lose! Fry: Sign me up for the tournament, please. Administrator: Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop. Entry fee's 50,000 smackers. Fry: 50,000? Drat, all I have is my life savings and a token for free admission to this poker tournament. Administrator: Close enough. [He puts the wad of cash in his breast pocket.]
Amy: You're having an affair with the head of the robot mafia's wife? Bender (Off-screen): Yup, this is her I'm making out with.
Hermes: Bender, are you crazy? Bender: No, it's Fry who's crazy in this one. Fry: Psht, I'm not crazy. Leela: You sure you're okay, Fry? I mean, you do have tin foil on your head. Fry: So? You've got a leech on your neck. Oh, and speaking of sucking on your neck, want to go to a movie later? Elzar: Hey, there! How are you folks doing tonight? Bender: Great. What are the specials? Elzar: Well, let's see now. We've got a wonderful grizzly bear that's been dipped in cornmeal and lightly tormented. Questions? Amy: What was the bear's name? Elzar: Jojo. Amy: Ooh, I'll have him.
Bender: Hide me! Joey Mousepad: Hey, Donbot, ain't that your wife what with you had that wedding with? Fanny: [While sauntering over to Donbot looking rather bloated.] Donbot, honey! What a pleasant shock! I was just having dinner alone, when suddenly you walk in on us. Donbot: Alone, huh?
Bender: Where am I? I was exploring a wormhole through space many light years from this restaurant, when suddenly I was surrounded by darkness. (To Fanny:) Hot, sexy darkness. [He purrs sensually.] Oh, why, hello, Donbot! Hello, miss, have we met? [He shakes Fanny's hand.] I'm Bender. The world's most sexual robot. I mean, the world's most boundary-respecting robot. Donbot: Nice to see you, Bender. Welcome back to our universe. Listen, sugar, I stuck up the Burlington Coat Factory and got you a little something. It's a $49 value.
Danny: Donbot, I love you! (To Bender:) Not really. Bender: Man, this is great! I always wanted to nail a dame in a fur coat, and now's my chance. [He catches himself.] I mean, if you'll introduce me to one, sir. (To Fanny:) One as sexy as you, baby! Bender out. [He struts away while humming/scatting. Zoom on Donbot's eyes, they squint, showing Donbot is onto Bender.]
Fanny: I never felt so alive, Bender. Listen, this turquoise-encrusted bra is worth 50 grand. Let's sell it and run off before the Donbot gets wise. Bender: [He sighs.] No. It will take a lot more money than that to make a girl like you happy. Fanny: No, it won't. Bender: Yeah, it will. Shut up! We'll run off, but not till after I win the Universal Poker Championship! [He raises his hand to reveal his plan, reaches into Fanny's bosom, rips out the bra and slams it on the Administrator's counter.] One entry, please. Fanny: Bender, no! You can't beat the best players in the universe. You're not lucky enough. Bender: Oh, no? I'm 40% lucky. [He bangs on his chest twice.] The scrap metal I'm made from included a truckload of horseshoes from the luckiest racehorses in Mexico, who had just been sent to a glue factory. Fanny: They don't sound so lucky to me. Bender: Not without their shoes.
Fanny: Here, Bendy, take this. It will give you 70% more luck. It's the Donbot's lucky robot's foot. Bender: All right! With two kinds of luck, I can't lose. [Pause] No, wait, three. I stepped on a leprechaun.
Joey Mousepad: Yo, you see this over here over there? Clamps: I'm powering up the clamps.
Donbot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let us not rush to judgment. Joey Mousepad: But, Skip, that was your lucky robot's foot what came off of your lucky leg. Donbot: [He turns his chair to the side and shows his missing appendage.] While it is true that I did wake up with only one foot this morning, there is no proof that my beloved Fanny was involved. Aside from the hacksaw I found under her pillow. Clamps: Well, what about that Bender guy? You want I should give him the clamps? Donbot: Not yet, Clamps. Only one thing can prove that he has my lucky foot. Clamps: Torture with the clamps or a clamp-like device? Donbot: No. We are gonna sit tight and see if he wins the poker tournament. He does, that proves he's packing my lucky foot, in which event... Clamps: The clamps! Or a clamp-like device.
Penn Jillette: Welcome viewers who fell asleep with the TV on! It's the 3009 no-limit hold 'em championship. [The crowd cheers.] I'm the massive head of Penn Jillette, and here with a color commentary, my partner Teller. [Teller's head is floating in his own jar. As always, he is deceased.] Our act really didn't change much when he died. Bender: Pardon me, I'm new to this game. Is this duffle bag big enough for all your money? [He laughs and sits down at the table.] Fry: [He walks up to the table.] Bender? Oh, boogers. We're in the same tournament. Quick, get your entry fee back before I bankrupt you. Bender: Pfft! In your dreams, nutloaf. Fry: Bite my shiny metal hat.
Penn Jillette (Whispering): Tex Connecticut, the pride of Kansas City, first to act. [He has a Queen and a Nine and calls the blinds.] Smiley Spiff, up next. [He has a Jack and a Ten and also calls.] Looks like Boobs Vanderbilt has a decent pair. Also, she's got two eights. [She calls.] And Bender Rodriguez picks up a lucky deal right off the bat. [He calls as well.]
Bender (Telepathically): Woo! Two aces. I'm thinking guitar solo. [He mimics a guitar solo.] Fry: He puts his hat back down.] I fold. Penn Jillette: Holy crap! A stunning play by mentally ill newcomer Philip Fry. It's almost as if he knew Bender had two aces.
'Boobs Vanderbilt: Bender has two aces? I'm out. Tex Connecticut: I'm out. Lrrr: I'm out. Bender: [He laughs and pulls in the chips.] Suck my luck!
Donbot: See this gun? [He holds up a gun, but then he crumples it in his hand.] That's what I'm gonna do to Bender if he wins.
Lrrr: All in. Call my mighty bid at your peril. [He growls at the table. Fry lifts his hat.] (Telepathically): My cards are awful, and I need a hug. Fry: I call your bluff.
Lrrr: I shall annihilate... Fry hugs him.] (Sobbing:) I just wanted to make my daddy proud. Lrrr's Father: Well, you didn't. I want you and your junk moved out by Monday. Penn Jillette: It's getting pretty intense, folks. Based on the state of decomposition of Teller's head, we're now in hour 19 of the tournament. And the first bad deal of the night for Bender. Bender: Hey, pal, help me out here. [He holds up his cards - a Seven and a Two.] This is the worst possible hand, right? Tex Connecticut: I'm all in. Bender: All in! I mean, fold. Whatever. Penn Jillette: [Leo deals the flop.] Well, Bender's luck just ran out. No card can save him from elimination.
Boobs Vanderbilt: Oh, my gourds! He's dead. [A card falls on her as well.]
Leo Wong: 21, winner! [He pushes the chips to Bender.] Bender: Wooo! I'm so full of luck, it's shooting out like luck diarrhoea. Penn Jillette: Wake up, poker fans! We're down to our final two players in heads-up action for the Championship. Your perspective, Teller? [A rat eats Teller's left eye.]
Bender: All in.
Fry: But-but, you didn't even look at your cards! Bender: Looking at one's cards is a crutch for players who rely on skill.
Leo Wong: Any day now, Fry. You in or out?
Bender: What's the matter, Fry, you scared? Or just [He spins his head around and wiggles in fingers] crazy? [He laughs.] Fry: All right, all in. [Leo deals the cards.] Yes! Four aces! Bender: [Fry moves in to take the pot.] Ah-ah-ah. Read 'em and weep, and then tell me what they are. Leo Wong: Two kings. And with three on the board, that gives Bender five kings.
Fry: But how is that... Penn Jillette: I don't believe it. Bender has just been dealt the King of Beers, a coaster from the bar that somehow got mixed into the deck. But it still counts!
Leo Wong: Bender win the Championship! Bender: [He eats the money.] That's some good money. [He then belches fire.] Fanny: [She comes running over with a suitcase.] You did it, Bender. You're the greatest. Bender: Tell me something I don't know, sweetass. Now, let's boogie. We'll be in Space Tahiti before the Donbot knows what hit him.
Donbot: Now I am suspicious.
Bender: Okay, we finished digging this shallow grave. Can we go now?
Fry (Sobbing): Poor Bender left me one last voicemail before the Robot Mafia buried him in the desert. Bender (On cell phone): Fry, old friend, before I die, I just wanted to say... [Beep.] Hang on, I'm getting another call. Hello? [The gun fire commences and Bender screams.] Hermes: Line up, people! Everyone take a shovel and one sixth of the planet. We'll meet back here in 50 years, our bodies broken and our lives wasted. Zoidberg: And you say these are free shovels?
Bender: I'm back, baby. Fry: Bender! I thought the Robot Mafia killed you. Bender: Nah, they just shot us and buried us a few times as a warning. Fanny: Bender was so brave. He never stopped making out with me the whole time they were shooting us. Bender: I sure didn't.
Fanny: I gotta get back to my husband, baby. Will I see you tonight? Bender: Probably not.
Mr. Wong: It's a 14-footer with a clown hazard. What club you recommend, Baggy? Baggy: As on every hole, I suggest the putter. Fry: Your golf club sure is classy, Mr. Wong. Naked statue classy.
Leela: It is very nice. I just wish Amy and I didn't have to wear these sexist badges on our melons. [They stand up and show badges pinned to their chests that say "WOMAN."] Amy: We're lucky even to play as guests, Leela. Dad's club has a very strict "No girls allowed" policy.
Leela: That doesn't seem fair. Amy: It really is. Everybody knows women don't have the focus to play miniature golf at a professional level.
Leela: But that's the best shot of the day! Mr. Wong: Is that my ball? I think that my ball.
Amy: Pfft, great putt, Dad. Mr. Wong: Okay, we're done.
Leela: Mr. Wong, how do you keep this place so green in the middle of the desert? Doesn't that waste a lot of water? Mr. Wong: Nah, we got plenty water, pumped directly from flamingo lake. [The flamingos sitting in the lake are sucked into the drain with all of the water.] They'll be fine. [Pink feathers are expelled from the sprinklers.]
Mr. Wong: Oh, yeah, I love miniature golf. Love everything about it, except how damn miniature it is. That's why I'm building the universe's biggest miniature golf course.
Mr. Wong: This the first tee. Fry: Where's the hole? Mr. Wong: On Pluto's moon, Hydra. It's a six-billion-mile par-two. Tough shot, even for a man. [Leela groans. Mr. Wong adjusts the cannon with a dial near the tee. He strikes the button that fires the ball and everybody rushes over to a row of binoculars.] (Leo VO): Around the sun. Bank off Jupiter. And right into the... [The ball lands short of the hole and Mr. Wong curses in Mandarin.] I'll be right back. [He gets in a golf cart that has a dome over it and flies to Hydra. Fry, Leela and Amy watch from the binoculars. Mr. Wong smacks the giant ball his his putter, but it stops on the edge of the hole. He growls and curses in Mandarin. He bounces over to the ball and smacks his with his putter again, then kicks it.] It dropped in! Put me down for a two. Amy: Two. [She writes down 8.] Mr. Wong: Keep in mind, that just the first hole. For full course, we gonna bulldoze this entire arm of the Milky Way. Leela: What? You're gonna wipe out 10% of the galaxy for a stupid golf course? Mr. Wong: First of all, it 12% . Second, yes, you betcha. Leela: But you have no idea what life forms might be evolving out there. Mr. Wong: That's exactly why I'm hiring an impartial scientist to perform an environmental survey. That's him in the money shower.
Fry (VO): Delivery boy's log. Having fallen asleep on what I thought was the toilet, I awoke to find the environmental survey in progress. Farnsworth: Status reports, Science Officer. Bender: Zilcho. No sign of life or intelligence. [He laughs.] (Telepathically): Just like Fry on a date. Fry: [He laughs.] Hey! Leela: Okay, so we haven't found any life yet. I still don't see why you men can't be happy with regular-sized miniature golf. Farnsworth: Leela, evolution has programmed our fabulous male brains to take anything anybody else thinks is important and make it bigger. [He takes a slurp of a "128oz. Big Burp."] Have you seen my new 301-inch TV?
Announcer: Hypnotoad is brought to you by the MagnaPhallix 302-inch TV. It's bigger! Farnsworth: Oh, hell! [He throws his beverage at the TV and it falls apart.] Bender: [An alarm sounds.] Captain, I'm detecting life on the spock-o-scope!
Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution. Fry: Except in Kansas. Bender: But isn't Mr. Wong building the 18th hole here? And the golf pants museum? Farnsworth: Indeed so. This whole area will be incinerated when he implodes that sun there into a black hole. Leela: That beautiful violet star? Farnsworth: It's so you can't keep your ball at the end of the game. Fry: Yo, that's messed up. Leela: Well, there won't be any imploding once they read our environmental review. Right, Professor? Farnsworth: Ohh, twaddle-squat. There's no scientific consensus that life is important. Bender: Yeah. Life, schmife. Clip Board: [Farnsworth checks an option.] Approved for demolition. Leela: It's you and me, ponytail. [She cracks her ponytail like a whip.]
Guard: We're here, Mr. President. Richard Nixon's head: Arroo! Let's play some mini-golf.
Nixon: Now, just give it a light tap, Agnew. [Agnew pulls his club up high.] No, no, no, just a light...
Zoidberg: Now for a triple clam dip, with a double - [The ball smashes into his head and knocks him on his back.] OW! [He falls off the diving board and lands on the concrete surrounding the pool.] OW! Nixon: Tough luck, Agnew. Looks like you and Wong owe me a Charleston Chew. [He laughs.]
Feministas: Shut up and hear our wisdom. Save the ecosystem. Shut up and hear our wisdom! Save the ecosystem! Nixon: What gives, Wong? You said no chicks allowed.
Frida: We are the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you...What was it again? Leela: We will not let you implode the violet dwarf star at galactic coordinates 167.84, -58.03, mark 948. Mr. Wong: Already approved, you cackling hens. So get out, or I'll have vice-president Agnew's headless body throw you out. Leela: I'd like to see him try. Nixon: Me, too. Should look funny. Sic 'em, Agnew.
Nixon: Runaway golf cart! Leela: Look out, Agnew!
Nixon: Whoa! Mr. Wong: Aah! Leela: Is... is he okay? Mr. Wong: No pulse. Nixon: They killed the headless remains of Agnew. Arrest them! Frida: All Feministas she-vacuate the premises. I mean "femises."
Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, these eco-crooks will face the maximum sentence. For killing a headless torso, that's six weeks. Bender: Well, this is embarrassing. Here I've been blabbing on for years about killing all humans, and who actually does something about it? Some chick. Fry: Leela's not a killer, and she's not some chick. She's the chick I love. And don't tell her I called her a chick, or she'll kill me.
Frida (through her megaphone): Everyone stay absolutely quiet! Feminista: That thing's on. Shh! Feminista: Turn it off! Frida (through megaphone): Oh, sorry. Frida: How do you turn it off? Frida (through megaphone): There. Did that do it? OTHERS: No. Stop it. Shut up. Frida: Here's the button here. [An alarm starts wailing from the megaphone.] (Through megaphone): And I think I... Now I got it.
Leela: Let me give you a hand.
Frida: This is awful. I never meant for our protest to have any effect. Now what do we do? Trixie: Maybe we should just surrender and serve our six weeks in jail. Dixie: Hey, yeah! We could do each other's toenails and make shivs. Leela: That's crazy. We've done nothing wrong, other than killing and dismembering the vice-president. We need to make a choice, sisters. We can either keep pestering criminals like Leo Wong with silly slogans... ALL: Yeah. Let's do that. Leela: Actually, I meant that to be the less preferable alternative. We can either chant slogans or we can take action. Dixie: What was the first choice again? Leela: I choose to save the environment by sabotaging Leo Wong's golf course. Who's with me? Frida: Could we still use our bullhorns? Leela: Absolutely. Bullhorns are a core principle of eco-feminism. Frida: Then I'm in.
Leela: Who's ready to kick some sweaty man-butt?
Dixie: I've got my pointy man-kicking shoes on. Trixie: Those are cute. Dixie: Aren't they? I got them at Nine West. Leela: Simmer down, warriors. Full power to the vagyroscope!
Mr. Wong: Those dirty rings. I tried soaking them out, even blasting them out.
Frida: Are you sure about this? It would be better for propaganda if we weren't using refined sugar. Leela: It's okay. The potato we're shoving in the tailpipe is organic.
Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage. [He sniffs.] Ooh, and potatoes.
Leela: Now, unfortunately, the media is going to put a negative spin on this, like when we killed that guy, so to win public support, we'll need a lovable mascot.
Zoidberg: :[He picks it up and laughs.] Squirm all you want, you nasty dumpling. One less species for the universe, one more breakfast for... Leela: Zoidberg? Zoidberg: Leela. Me saving things the leech. Not the eating of it. Leela: Zoidberg, I'm very surprised at you, slightly.
Fry: Psst! Leela. Leela: Shh! I'm a fugitive. Fry: I know. I miss you so much, Leela, even more than when you were here. Leela: I miss you, too, Fry. And you probably think what I'm doing is wrong. But it's something I really care about... Fry: You don't have to explain, Leela. You're you. That's all I need to know. Leela: Goodbye, sweet goofbag.
Bender: :[He sighs.] I'll miss her, too, buddy. Dibs on her iPod. Zoidberg: Dibs on her- ohh...
Hutch: Hey, Fry! Long time, man. Fry: Hey, Hutch! What have you been up to? Hutch: Same old, same old. Searching the dumpsters, protecting my thoughts with tin foil, peeing myself. Fry: So, what brings you to Earth? Hutch: It's top secret. Hey, take off your helmet and I'll think it to you. Fry: Okay. Here goes.
Fry: Where are you? And me? Hutch: The Great Hall of the Ancient Legion of Madfellows. Welcome, bro. ALL: Welcome, bro. Hutch: Sorry I bashed your head in, buddy, but I had to. You see, the fate of the universe depends on you. Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot. Hutch: The Grand Curator will tell you more. Fry: Take me to him.
Nine: Hey, man. Fry: Hey. Nine: So dig this, Fry. Our commune has been monitoring the universe's life energy for, like, a really long time, and we're grokking some super weird junk. Fry: Um, I don't mean to be rude, but it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you say junk like "grok" and "junk." Nine : What about "commune"? Fry: Especially "commune." Come on, it's the fate of the universe, puff it up a little. Like you could say your ancient order is sensing deep upheaval in the cosmic life energy field.
Nine: Okay. I'll try. So, like, a really, really long time ago... [Fry motions "longer" with his hands.] Eons ago! [Fry gives a thumbs up and he giggles.] Cool. Eons ago, the life force we call Chi permeated the universe. [He presses a button and a hologram is shown in the room.] The Green Chi generated a great upwelling of life across the cosmos. But then, for reasons unknown... Fry: Ooh. "Reasons unknown." Now that's the sort of hook that grabs the attention of me, the viewer. Nine: For reasons unknown... Fry: Nice. Nine: ...the Chi began to recede, and the diversity of life began to wither. The life forms we know today are but a fraction of a fraction of the magnificence that once existed. Hutch: But a bunch of dudes, right, they totally passed this far-out knowledge down through the ages.
Nine (VO): Some with this knowledge were called prophets, some, fruitcakes. We, the Legion of Madfellows, are their heirs.
Fry: Hey, I'm on TV. [He waves.] Nine: Well, that's the show. [He turns off the hologram.] Fry: Neat. What's it got to do with me? Nine: Ahh, pooperdoodle! I mean, pardon the omission. You see, after untold eternities, we have sensed a resurgence in the Chi. Fry: Hey, that's the violet dwarf star that Leela wants to save. Hutch: Freaking nailed it, corndog. Nine: We believe this star heralds a new green age, and it's your destiny to be its shepherd and protector. Fry: Me? Why? Hutch: 'Cause you got, like, no delta brainwave, man. The Dark Ones can't groove off your thoughts. Nine: Silence, Hutch! You shall learn more in time, Fry. But for now, let's just say we have enemies, enemies who can read minds, except yours. [He points with his foot.] Fry: Cool. I can't wait to tell Leela. Nine: No! If you tell anyone, then their thoughts could be read, and our enemies would know of our existence. For the sake of those you love, you must keep this secret. Do you foot-swear? Fry: Oh, okay. I foot-swear.
Nine: Good. Now, to save the coming of the green age, you must stop this man.
Fry: I know him. Leo Wong. I work with his daughter. Nine: Oh, good, that will cut about 15 minutes of explanation. You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf.
Mr. Wong: Looking for a job, eh? Fry: Yes, sir. Nothing fancy. I'm willing to start at the bottom and infiltrate my way up. 'Mr. Wong: Sorry, no openings right now. (Telepathically): What I need is security guard to keep nutcases out of my office. Fry: I'm good at keeping nutcases. Mr. Wong: I said no way. (Telepathically): Security guard gotta be tough. This idiot don't look like he could handle those feministas. Fry: I look like an idiot who can handle those feministas. Mr Wong (Telepathically): He'll have to do better than that. Fry: I'll have to do better than that. Mr. Wong: Hmm. You and I think a lot alike. You really think you can stand up to those eco-freakos? Fry: Sir, with me around, they'll be the least of your worries.
Tester: Stand by, men. And manly aliens. Prepare to test fire King Kong hole.
Sal: It workses. Tester: Good job, men. And manly aliens. Construction of King Kong hole complete.
Frida: Typical. Always King Kong, never Queen... Quong.
Sal: What are those, hooks? Get out of heres, you hookers. This is my turfs.
Sal: [He's flying through space.] Helpses!
Leela: You go, gorilla !
Morbo: Our top story. The string of eco-vandalism that began with a harmless vice-presidential killing has spread across the galaxy. Linda: Why do you always get to read the top story, Morbo? Morbo: Because viewers trust a deep male voice and huge, throbbing forehead veins. [They pulse in unison a few times.] Linda: Not all reaction to the crime spree has been negative. We spoke with several people who viewed these courageous eco-feminists as heroes. Petunia: I just wish there was some way to... Excuse me. [She coughs roughly.] Some way to show I support 'em. Send them some smokes or something. Linda: So you make more than twice what I do. What? This just in: Root 2 News has received a video communique from the eco-feminists' unknown hideout. Leela: This is sub-commander L., den mother of the Feminista Revolutionary Collective, with a message for Leo Wong. Leo, you're a parasite on the universe, and parasites must be destroyed. That's why we've adopted this parasite as our mascot. [The leech snarls against the glass of its case.] I know it's a little confusing. The point is, even this vicious leech has a right to exist, because it's a part of nature. And that's why a vicious leech like Leo Wong must be exterminated. [The Feministas in the background cheer.] Again, confusing. We call on women everywhere to join our struggle against eco-chauvinist Leo Wong. We especially need good communique writers. Feministas unite! [They pound their breasts twice and throw their fists into the air while shouting "Feministas unite" in unison.] Morbo: In other news- [Linda throws her high heel at his head and it becomes lodged in his head.] Linda Mimicking the Feministas' actions]: Feministas unite!
Linda (on the TV): Feministas unite! [The image is paused.] Nixon: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. You're telling me this TiVo machine can pause and rewind live TV? Mr. Wong: These crazy broads gonna ruin me, Nixon. You gotta help me. Send the army or something. Something big that shoots. Nixon: Sir, I don't care if you are my biggest contributor. Our armed forces do not serve your private business interests. Mr. Wong: Sorry, I... Nixon: [He laughs hysterically.] I'm just yanking your chain, Leo. I'm on it like boring on Gerry Ford.
Zapp Brannigan: Zapp Brannigan purporting for duty. For the love of God, Kif, less piccolo, more fife.
Nixon: Report, Brannigan. Zapp: Mr. President, I failed to identify these curvaceous banditas despite hours of staring at their dossiers. [There is a picture of Leela from behind on the cover of the file folder.] Yet, I seemed to have stroked myself upon good luck, for a patriot of the highest order has volunteered to lead us to them.
Nixon: These eco-feminists are ruthless criminals who'll stop at nothing to save the environment. I don't see how a bending unit can catch them. Bender: Not just any bending unit, Presidente. I happen to be brilliant, fearless and short on cash. [He coughs and motions for money with his fingers.] Nixon: Slush him, Kroker.
Zapp: Bender here has identified the femdito commander as my ex-lover, Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.
Nixon: And he's willing to fink her out for a few simoleons? Bender: It's not about the money, Nixon, though I'd like much more. It's 'cause Leela's a threat. A threat to my reputation. She's committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she'll break my record for longest rap sheet. Nixon: That's a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it. Bender: Gracias. Now, I could find Leela, but you'll need to authorize a wiretap. Nixon: As many as you like. Bender: I only need one. Nixon: Let's call it six. Kif: Question. If you don't know where Leela is, how can you wiretap her? Bender: I'm not wiretapping her, Greensleeves. You see, like all women, Leela has one weakness.
Bender: Hello, weakness! Fry: Hey, Bender, check it out. I'm Leo Wong's new security guard. I got an ID badge and a flashlight, and I ordered this mustache. Bender: Neat. Say, speaking of whatever the hell you just said, I need to make a cell phone telephone call. Can borrow your cell phone telephone? Fry: Okay, but don't restart my Tetris. I was finally about to get one of those pieces that looks like a backwards "L." Bender: Okay, superstud.
Mr. Wong: Looking good, security. No feministas getting past you. Fry: No, sir. Not on my mustache's watch.
Amy: Fry, I can't believe you're working with my dad against Leela. How can you claim to be her friend and still want her in jail? Fry: [He clears his throat.] It's a tightrope walk, I won't deny it. It takes the kind of multi-sided thinking your dad's so brilliant at. Amy: You mean being two-faced? Mr. Wong: Don't mind cranky-pants here. She been cranky ever since she was a fat little girl. Amy: Dad! Mr. Wong: Can I be brutally honest, Fry? I always wanted a son. Fry: That hurt, but I can take it. Amy: [She says something in Mandarin.] I knew you wanted a son! Why do you think I became a miniature golf champion? Why do you think I wear these stupid boys' sweat suits? Mr. Wong: To hide your big, fat butt, that's why. [He giggles.] Fry: Now, sir, in fairness, Amy's butt is actually pretty hot. Amy: What is it with you men? Why does everything revolve around my butt? Mr. Wong: 'Cause it's so big and massive. [He and Fry share a laugh.] Fry: Sorry. Amy: That's it! Why don't you just adopt Fry and make him the son you never had? That'll replace the daughter you don't have anymore!
Bender: Whoa! What's with Big Butt? Mr. Wong: She just hungry. Bender: Here you go, Fry. Fry: Thanks.
Bender: Oh! FYI, I dropped that Tetris piece in the wrong place and ended the game. Fry: [He looks at the screen on the phone. It reads "GAME OVER."] No!
Fry: Great! Now Amy's gonna tell Leela I'm a jerk. If only I could explain I'm on a secret mission against evil. Wait. Evil? Yeah, yeah, evil. [There is a tapping in the darkness. Fry shines his flashlight around.] What's going on in there? A scary noise? [He spots Frida hammering a protest sign into the grass.] Hey, you're one of Leela's feministas. "Save the environment! Wo-mandate Leo's retirement!" That's terrible writing! Stop making your point so ineffectively! [He tries to pull the hammer from Frida's grip.] Frida: Take your mands off of me! Fry: [He shushes her.] I'm on your side. Frida: [She shushes back.] Don't shush me. Fry: Please, can you take a message to Leela? Frida: [She quickly shushes him.] What is it? Fry: Just say her sweet goofbag is working to save the violet dwarf star, just like she is. Frida: Very well, I'll fem-municate your man-formation. Fry: [He rolls his eyes.] Just tell her.
Farnsworth: Well, this is it, old friends. Planet Express is done for, what with our delivery crew missing and the abysmal sales of Tickle Me Bender. Bender Doll: [He doll giggles.] Quit touching my junk, pervert! Farnsworth: Hold out your hands and I'll remove your career chips. Zoidberg: I hate to see it come to an end. [His chip is removed and he screams in agony.] When will it end?
Hermes: Shouldn't you get that, Professor? Farnsworth: I suppose. [He walks off screen, but then rushes back to remove the career chip from Hermes' hand.] Hello? Mr. Wong: Professor, old buddy, I'm gonna blow up the violet dwarf star. So I need you deliver billion-mile security fence to keep out protesters. Dirty business. Lot of money. You corrupt enough? Farnsworth: Damn skippy! [Money is dispensed from the telephone console.] Good news, crybabies! We're back in business.
Hermes: Sweet kookaburra of Edinburgh, Professor. You sure you know how to fly this thing? Farnsworth: I invented it, didn't I? You wouldn't ask Thomas Edison whether he knew how to use a sexmatron.
Zoidberg: The Feministas, probably.
Leela: Halt! What are you doing in this parallelogram of space? Farnsworth: We're delivering a fence to keep you ladies in your place. [He chuckles.]
Zoidberg: Amy? Hermes: LaBarbara? LaBarbara: That's right, husband. From now on, you make your own Manwiches. Leela: Under the articles of the confemiracy, we hereby wo-mandeer this ship. Zoidberg: Oh, no, you don't. It's three against three.
Mrs. Wong: That was the greatest play I ever saw. It must have had 20 acts.
Leela (over Megaphone): We installed your fence, Leo Wong.
Linda: Should we shout a clever slogan? Leela: You mean something like, "The best defense is a good fence?" Linda: Yeah, something like that, only funny. Leela: I wish we could, but our chief slogan writer is back at the Honeybun Hideout.
Frida: Does "violet dwarf" rhyme with "men are dorks"? It does through a megaphone. (Telepathically): That reminds me, I've got to tell Leela about that weirdo who wants to save the violet dwarf. Mysterious, Sinister Voice: So, the Legion of Madfellows has a new pawn, eh? Frida: Is somebody here? If you're the DSL guy, you're two days late. Mysterious, Sinister Voice: Who gave you that message for Leela? Frida: I don't know his name. Mysterious, Sinister Voice: Then you are of no use to the Dark Ones!
Frida: Long lost brother, avenge my death.
Mysterious Voice: Where are your crappy rhymes now, Frida Waterfall? Frida: I'm dead. I'm dead. (Through megaphone): Eat only natural whole-grain brea- [She is choked more.]
Fry: Six, seven, eight. Lock the gate. One, two, three. Turn the key. 30, 50, 10. [He sees Hutch.] My dirty, shifty friend? Hutch: Hey, Fry, long time.
Hutch: Welcome back to the Legion of Madfellows, man. Fry: Why'd you bonk me, you idiot? You could have just asked me to come with you. And where are we? This doesn't look like your regular dumpster. Nine: All in good time! I guess now is a good time. We are on Mars, in a forgotten cavern abandoned by the native Martians a million years ago. Fry: Actually, it was five years ago. I remember 'cause they washed my socks. Nine: You have done well, Fry. You have ingratiated yourself with Leo Wong. Fry: Yup, I kissed his ass from cheek to shining cheek. So, what do I do next? Nine: As Wong security chief, you will be on hand when he attempts to destroy the violet dwarf. You must not let that happen. Fry: [He is taking notes.] "Must let happen." Nine: Not happen! Fry: "Must let occur." Nine: Let me tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that compared to them the human race is a mere college senior! On a distant planetoid they evolved to cooperate in their quest to survive.
Fry: Cooperation, because life is a team sport. Nine: But, over time, one species evolved a better strategy, and an evolutionary arms race began.
Nine: That concludes the audio-visual portion of our head-clonk and lecture. Fry: Wait, what happened to the snakes and the frogs? I need to know! Nine: [He sighs and turns the hologram back on. He uses the light to cast shadows on the wall his his hands.] The frogs, or possibly the snakes, evolved into vicious killing machines, honed by the merciless forces of natural selection and intelligent design. We call these the Dark Ones!
Nine: These evil creatures preyed on all life, driving species after species to extinction. Meanwhile, however, the second species evolved to fend off the Dark Ones, befriending and protecting all other living things. Fry: Even Céline Dion? Nine: Probably. We call these noble beings the Encyclopods, because their DNA incorporates the DNA of every endangered species they encountered, so they can recreate them if they go extinct. Fry: Just as a pillow, a wig and a corncob pipe can be used to recreate my old girlfriend! Nine: Bingo.
Transition Announcer 2: Meanwhile, at the Honeybun Hideout.
LaBarbara: There! Now you know how it feels to be locked up in a go-go cage. Hermes: What the hell are you talking about? LaBarbara: Shut your man-hole.
Hermes: I feel dirty.
Leela: Are you sure Fry is working for your father? It just doesn't seem like him to be so evil, or to hold down a job. Amy: It's true, Leela. Cross My Heart bra and swear to Goddess. Leela: But the Fry I know wouldn't do that. I'm gonna call his cell phone telephone and prove you wrong. [She walks over to a phone booth and tries to open the door. The camera pans down and reveals Frida's body is blocking the door.] Oh, no! Frida's been murdered!
LaBarbara: Sweet she-cattle of Seattle! Hermes (from off screen): Not your strong suit, woman. Amy: Who could have done this? Leela: Your dad? Nixon? Amy: Fry? Leela: No, never. I don't think. Anyhow, there's a crazed murderer on the loose, possibly in the shadows or hanging from the ceiling! [They all scream.] So just stay calm while I call Fry.
Fry: So where are the Encyclopods and the Dark Ones now? Nine: Wh-... [Hutch is cooking a can of food with the light of the hologram.] When the life-giving Chi receded, only the toughest organisms could adapt and survive, like the Dark Ones. [The Madfellows boo.] Many more died out, like the Encyclopods. But, and this is the great secret of our age, we believe they left an egg behind. Fry: Is it edible? Nine: We're not gonna eat it! Not unless we find a second one. No, Fry, we intend to hatch it! Hutch: And that's where you come in. Fry: And here I am. Nine: At long last the tide of Chi has returned, and its nourishing flow has awakened the dormant egg. Fry: That's good. Hutch: It's better than good. It's better. With its massive stash of DNA, the Encyclopod can reconstruct every species that ever went extinct. Nine: Imagine, all the animals that failed evolution's test, alive again! The dodo bird, the brittle-klutz, the striped biologist-taunter. Fry: So, where is this egg? Nine: In the violet dwarf star system. Fry: And what does it look like? Nine: A violet dwarf star! Fry: You mean, the whole star is a single... Whoa! Sci-fi. Nine: Alas! Even now, a Dark One is headed to the star to ensure its destruction. Fry: Dang! So what does this Dark One look like? Nine: [He sighs.] We don't know. I admit it's a horrifically grave situation. Hutch: Don't sugarcoat it, Nine. The Dark Ones have been evolving so long, it could be anything or anyone. Or anybody. Fry: You mean, like, people? Hutch: Any people. It will kill the egg, and every dude, woman and child who knows about it. Nine: Even our crazy caps will be useless at close range. That's why only you, with your defective unreadable brainwave, may be able to thwart them and usher in a new green age of wonder and...
Fry [On the phone]: You're on Fry-time. Leela! Did you get my message? Leela: What message? Fry: Didn't you see Frida Waterfall? Leela: [She gasps.]So you did kill Frida Waterfall? Fry: What? No. I told her to tell you that I'm... Oh, Jeep! The Dark Ones got her. It's all true. We need to talk, Leela. Then I can explain... [Nine motions "No!"] Well, I can't explain anything, but we should talk anyway. Where are you? Leela: Oh, no. I'm not gonna expose the Honeybun Hideout. Where are you? Fry: Near the Keeler Crater on Mars. Do you know it? Leela: I, I, uh... I think I read about it.
Leela: [She is heard through a speaker on the Nimbus.] I'll meet you at the south rim in one hour. No moustaches.
Zapp: Kif, set coordinates, 36-24-36. AKA, Leela.
Fry: Ten minutes late. Ain't that just like a womanista? Leela: Psst. Are you alone? Fry: Of course, don't you trust me?
Zapp (over PA): There's no escape, Leela. If you surrender, wave your shirt in the air. Leela: Fry, you traitor! [Leela begins to remove her shirt.] Amy (over PA): Hop onto the magnet, Leela! Leela: Okay. One, two... [Her boots are pulled to the magnet. She screams and Fry laughs, but he is grabbed by the ears and pulled along with her. The Planet Express ship takes off with the Nimbus chasing after it.] Leela: [She throws him in the go-go cage.] I can't believe you ratted me out, Fry. Fry: I'm not a rat, I swear. If I'm any rodent, it's the loyal capybara, king of the rats! No, wait.
Linda: This just in, we are about to get our asses blown off. LaBarbara? LaBarbara: That's right, Linda. [She screams.] Amy: Stay strong, ladies. We can lose them in the giant miniature golf course. Fry: But the course isn't finished. And there's no girls allowed. Amy: Fore! [She pulls the steering wheel to the right with her club.] Zapp: So, they want to play mini golf, eh? Two can play at that game. Or even four, depending on the number of ball colors available.
Zapp: I choose pink. Kif: That's their color, sir. Zapp: The hell it is. Leela: They're gaining on us. We need a birdie on the windmill hole. Amy [Timing their attempt to pass between the blades]: Wait. Wait. Drop the boot!
Kif: Sir, at our present speed, the computer predicts a 100% chance we'll be sliced in half. We'll never make it. Zapp: Not with that attitude, we won't. Same speed ahead!
Zapp: We made it through, Kif. How many men did we lose? Kif: All of them. Zapp: Well, at least they won't have to mourn each other. Seal the airlocks, and draw the shades. Resume shooting. Fry: Oh, no! The gorilla! That's a par-four!
Leela: The mouth's too dangerous. I'm going for the nose. Amy: Don't be a sucker. You won't come out anywhere near the hole. You need to aim for the jaws just when they start to close. Leela: Start to close? Are you out of your...
Leela: We made it! Zapp: Captaining 101 . Go for the nose.
Bender: My arms are broken. I'll never paint again. [He starts crying.] Kif: You can't sue the military. Bender: I'm okay then. Zapp: Damage report. Kif: We lost all remaining food and oxygen, Captain. As well as our XM Radio antenna. Zapp: Then this chase is over. Kif, set course for the nearest XM repair facility. Meanwhile, we shall sing top hits from the '80s. Kif: Which '80s, sir? Zapp: For me, there are only one '80s. [The ships slowly heads away from the chase.] (VO): Smell like I sound, [Kif groans.] I'm lost and I'm found. [Kif groans.]And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Hermes: The shot was too good! We're jamming straight for the hole. Zoidberg: We're gonna crash, even. Amy: Shmeesh, shmell out, shmeverybody. It's a wormhole hole. Farnsworth: Of course, a wormhole! We'll simply disappear and reappear in a... [They enter the wormhole.] ...nother part of the universe. Amy: We made it! Farnsworth: Uh, whaa...
Leela: Crud nuggets! We de-spaced right next to the Nimbus. Zoidberg: Just when you think the chase is over, it gets twice as exciting!
Bender: Hey, look at that. Zapp: Well, well, well. My bloodhound-like instincts must have hunted them down while my other parts were throbbing to Duran Duran. Kif: Shall I initiate a pointless and potentially fatal pursuit? Zapp: Make it so. Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun, in space.
Leela: Look! The asteroid. Now it's crawling with life. Like Zoidberg's sandals! Fry: Wow! It's incredible. Leela: But it'll be destroyed when Leo Wong blows up the violet dwarf. So why are you helping him? Fry: I can't tell you, Leela. You just have to trust me. Leela: You keep saying that, but you have to give me something to go on or I...
Planet Express Ship Alarm: Out of whale oil. Out of whale oil. Leela: [She gasps.] The out-of-fuel indicator. It's indicating. Zoidberg: Say, what's that violet-colored dwarf-like star thing we're drifting into? Leela: The violet dwarf star! Fry: Of course. The gorilla was the 18th hole, so we're headed into the ball return. Zoidberg: Aye, what else now can go wrong?
Zapp on the monitor): Ladies, you're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again. Petunia: He'll never take me alive. [She starts hacking up smoke.] Leela: Don't give up yet. I've got one more trick up my sleeve. Amy: That's exactly the number we need.
Zapp: Ah, the fairer sex.
Zapp: Something's very wrong here, and yet a little bit right.
Leela (off-screen): Not so fast, Brannigan. [All nine of them have guns.] Bender (off-screen): Even less fast, feministas! [He has a contraption with nine guns connected to one trigger.]
Leela: Bender? Bender: All two tons of me.
Bailiff: Oye, oye, oye. All rise for the honorable Chief Justice D-O-G-G and the Associate Justices.
Judge Dogg: Yo. Seat it or beat it. The charges against y'all femditos is murder, mayhem, vandalism, kidnapping and resisting arrest. Damn! The big five. You may now make your opening "what you got to say for yourselves." Leela: May it please the Court... [Judge Dogg slams his gavel.] I mean, may it plizzle the cozizzle. Judge Dogg: Proceed. Leela: These charges are outrageous. Our only goal was to save a rare violet star and its precious ecosystem. If protecting the environment is a crime, then... Judge Dogg: Protecting the environment is a crime. Leela': [She clears her throat.] I rest my mouth.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Nixon: I... Well, now, I... Am I under oath when I take the oath?
Ruth Ginsberg's Head: Can the witness identify the feminista leader? Bender: That's her right there, with the "I'm gonna kill you Bender" look in her eye. Antonin Scalia's Head: Hey, aren't you the robot who robbed me at gunpoint last year? Bender: No further answers, Your Honor.
Fry: Please, Justice Dogg, Leela and her friends are completely innocent. Judge Dogg: Hold up. Were you or were you not abducted by these hoes? Fry: Well, abducted is such an ugly word.
Thomas: Mr. Wong, the court cannot compel you to testify against your own daughter. Mr. Wong: No. No, I want to. Also, I got something to say about my wife.
Judge Dogg: Aw, yeah. Having heard some of the testimony over these jams I've been listening to, me and my crew will now kick it in the mix.
Judge Dogg: A'ight. We got us a verdict up in this High Court. Bailiff, drop it like it's legal precedent. Bailiff: In the matter of Leo Wong v. The Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, four justices vote to convict, five to acquit.
Antonin Scalia's Head: However, since the vote was strictly along gender lines and the female justices' votes only count half, you are hereby found guilty.
Ruth Ginsberg's Head: It's a humiliating and biased system, but it works. Judge Dogg: Fifty years in the maximum security Dogg house. [He bangs his gavel.] Peace.
Warden: Ladies! Welcome to Hell. Petunia: Beats Nutley on a Saturday night. Warden: This is a privately-owned for-profit prison and I run a tight, cheap ship! I've done this by cutting costs everywhere, especially on punishment. I rely on you inmates to make prison unpleasant for yourselves. You're encouraged to sexually harass new prisoners, organize no-holds-barred catfights and maintain poor hygiene. Amy: Try and make me, copper. Warden: Oh... a troublemaker. [She laughs.] Taste the lash of my 99-cent-store nightstick!
Mr. Wong: Yee-ha! With the feministas in jail, it full speed ahead. You and me, Fry. We implode the violet dwarf star tomorrow. Ka-boom-boom! Fry: You and me? Mr. Wong: Yeah. Fry: Tomorrow? Mr. Wong: Tomorrow. Fry: Ka-boom? Mr. Wong: Ka-boom-boom!
Fry: Hello? Madfellows? I need to- [He is hit on the head with a bottle and passes out. Small time lapse and he awakens.] Okay, Leo Wong's about to destroy the violet dwarf. So, whatever I need to know to stop him, tell me now. Nine: Alas! Stopping Wong isn't the only problem. One of the Dark Ones will try to stop you from stopping him. So, you must stop it from stopping you from stopping him. Fry: But how can I stop it stop me stop him? Nine: Stop it! Behold, the Omega Device.
Fry: That's it? The name "Omega Device" sort of conjured up something cooler looking. Not that I'm disappointed or anything. Nine: The important thing is what's inside. Fry: What does that look like? Hutch: No one knows, man. It was invented by a blind inventor, and the one dude he described it to was deaf. Mad Fellow: So the legend goes. Nine: When activated, the device will emit a localized blast of delta-band noise to momentarily disable the Dark One. Fry: Like farting in a tent? Nine: No, an elevator. Which is why you must strike the enemy at point blank range!
Fry: But the Dark One could look like anything or anyone, right? Hutch: Or anywhere. Fry: So, what's your plan to recognize it? Nine: We don't have one. Fry: Got it. Hutch: And we don't dare think of one neither. 'Cause if we do, the Dark Ones might sense kind of the general vibe. Even through our mighty foil. [He pokes a hole through his hat.] Oh, man! Anyone got some tape or some gum? Nine: As my colleague indicated, the plan cannot come from us, Fry. We were counting on you and your unreadable brain to come up with something. Fry: That was a mistake. Nine: I see that now. Hutch: Freaky thing is, the Dark Ones' thoughts are unreadable, just like yours. Nine: Yes, if we dared unwrap our heads, we could easily locate the one other being whose mind we can't read. The Dark One! Hutch: But then the Dark One would read our minds and crush them like blood pumpkins. Fry: Wait. I can read minds and my mind can't be read. I have a plan. Nine: Great. Whatever it is, don't tell us. Hutch: Wait. Fry can read minds and his mind can't be read. So he can safely scan for the Dark One... Nine: Shut up! Shut up! Hutch: ...whose mind can't be read...
Mysterious, Sinister Voice: Leela, time is running out. We must get to the violet star. Leela: Okay, okay. Shut up, already.
Dixie: Nobody's talking, Leela. Trixie: We're just painting each other's toenails with rat blood. Warden: Lights out, ladies! Those compact fluorescent bulbs waste pennies a day.
Leela: Okay, feministas, all clear. Amy: [She falls off the top bunk.] Whoa! Linda: We now go live to Leela with the escape plan. Leela? Leela: Thanks, Linda. Now we're in here because we tried to save endangered wildlife. So this time, endangered wildlife will save us.
Amy: The Martian muck leech. Leela: That's right. He's been living off me since we got captured. [She gets light headed and has to sit down on a bed.] Little cutie almost sucked me dry.
LaBarbara: Look at him go. Like a green snake through a sugarcane cake. Hermes (on her cell phone): Keep trying.
Morbo: Our top story. The universe's most wanted eco-feminists are now behind bars, including gang leader, Turanga Leela. AKA, the Notorious B-I-Itch.
Zoidberg: We finished un-pinking the ship, Hubert. Now what? Farnsworth: Now we get back to work. And if that means destroying an ecosystem or two, so be it. Zoidberg: I just meant without our good friends Fry, Leela, Amy and the robut. Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo. This is a business, not a social club. Money talks. Lincoln (on a $5 bill): True wealth is measured in friendships. Farnsworth: Shut up, you. Scruffy: Life goes on. But I believe we'll forever carry the pain on the inside.
Amy: Oh, no, a rooster! That indicates it's the following morning.
LaBarbara: How's that creepy crawler doing? Leela: I'm sorry, femi-sisters, but it pooped out around 3:00 a.m. Poor thing couldn't take another bite.
Amy: Well, I guess we failed. But what matters is, we tried our best and we looked good doing it.
Amy: Bender, is that you? Bender: Who does it look like? My identical cousin Buster? Amy: Yes.
Leela: You're here to break us out? But you're the one who put us in. Bender: But I'm Bender, king of the combination shot. I put you in so that by busting you out, I could commit 15 felonies at once. Puttin' my rap sheet miles ahead of yours on the all-time chart. Leela: You are one devious bastard. Bender: That's what it says on my vanity plate. [He bends over and a license plate on his crotch plate reads "1DVSBSTD."]
Leela: What about the sentries? Bender: Already taken care of. I sent them a cake laced with nutmeg. That's a human sleeping drug, right? Amy: No, it's a human baking drug.
Leela: Okay, Plan B. Everyone knows men have one fatal weakness - they can't resist hookers. Dixie, Trixie, you know what to do.
Bender: [He walks out with a swagger and speaks in an effeminate voice.] Hello, boys! [The spot lights are directed at him and he is fired at my machine guns. The firing stops.] Your eyes say no, but your machine gun fire says- [The gun fire resumes.]
Mr. Wong: Ladies and gentleman and whatever, welcome to my most environmentally disastrous implosion ever: a whole star system!
Zapp: Kif, old boy, mind if I sit on your shoulders for a better view? Kif: Well, actually, sir, I was hoping... Zap: Thanks.
Mr. Wong: My associate Philip Fry here will have honor to blow this ugly, dirty star into nice, clean black hole.
Mr. Wong: Fry, careful those wires. What you doing down there? Fry: [He drops a wire.] Just polishing your shoes, Mr. W. Mr. Wong: Mmm, that nice. Get between the toes there, very dirty.
Bender: Well, so much for Plan B. Leela: What's Plan C? Bender: All situations have the same Plan C. Bending, come on.
Leela: We're boned, Bender. It's a brick wall. Bender: Granted, it's not on the list of approved bendables, but I'm so great!
Amy: Dogs! The boning continues! Bender: [He pulls a telephone out of his chest.] Green Bluebird, this is Mr. Fabulous. We are go for cheesing it.
Leela: [She enters the bridge.] Professor! Hermes! Zoidberg! [She looks at Scruffy] Uh... Scruffy: Scruffy. The janitor. Leela: You helped us escape? Even after we locked you in a go-go cage like common go-go dancers? Farnsworth [Blubbering]: I couldn't live with myself, Leela. I call myself a scientist, wear the white coat and probe a monkey every now and again, yet I put monetary gain ahead of preserving nature. Can you ever forgive me? Scruffy: I reckon. Leela: I could kiss you, Professor. Farnsworth: Okay, but watch out for my new grill. [He smiles and shows his gold and diamond teeth.] [Cut back to the destruction of the star system. The audience cheers as Zapp takes the stage.] Zapp Brannigan: Before the grand finally [Mispronunciation of finale], as it were, it seems only fitting that I, Commodore 64 Zapp Brannigan, say a few brief pages in honor of... Nine (Telepathically): Whatever your plan is, Fry, I suggest you get on with it. Get... Shoot, I got hot sauce on my Number 9 shirt. Fry (Telepathically): Okay, locate the Dark One by finding someone whose thoughts I can't read. Zapp Brannigan: And unaccustomed... Zapp Brannigan (Telepathically): By God! I'm the greatest speaker of all time. They're suckling at the teats of my every syllable. Zapp Brannigan: Allow me now... Kif (Telepathically): His voice is like ear sandpaper.I miss Amy. Nixon's Head (Telepathically): The one secret no one ever suspected is that I really did stage the moon landing. On Venus. (LAUGHING) Mom (Telepathically): [She sighs] If I had all the money in the world, I'd... Oh, wait. I do. [Evil laugh.] Calculon (Telepathically): I'd like to thank the academy, my agent, and most of all, my operating system, Windows Vista, for everything it... System error. Snoop Dogg (Telepathically): Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Mr. Wong (Telepathically): I never should have taken that accent elimination class from Jackie Chan. Zapp Brannigan: And so, as we obliterize this star, let us remember those immortal words once spoken by a great man, moi. And I quote, "All good things must come to an end, preferably in a humongous explosion."
Mr. Wong: Let's pop this beach ball. ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight!
Fry (Telepathically): There's no one here whose thoughts can't be read. No one, except me! My thoughts can't be read. But, but that's crazy. If I were the Dark One, I'd know it, wouldn't I? But, here I am, right where the Dark One would be, about to blow up the star. Oh, God! Somewhere deep inside of me, it's me! I'm the Dark One! ALL: Two... one!
Leela: Put your hands in the air!
Snoop Dogg: Should we wave them like we just don't care? Leela: That's optional. Mr. Wong: You girl punks gone too far this time. Your parents should be ashamed. Amy: Yes, you should!
Mrs. Wong: Amy? Kif: Amy! Mysterious, Sinister Voice (Telepathically to Mr. Wong): Destroy the star, Leo, hurry. Mr. Wong: You got it, Mr. Voice-in-my-head. [He makes a howling Kung Fu noise. Him and Leela fight over the plunger. He gets it away from her, but Amy whacks him in the stomach with her putter.] I've gotta admit, Amy, you got a pretty good swing. Amy: Really? Thanks, Dad.
Leela: Okay, time to defuse this star cracker once and for all. [She begins to cut the wire for the plunger.] Fry: Leela, wait. You're making a mistake. You have no idea what's really going on. Leela: What is really going on? Fry: I can't tell you. Leela: Then why should I trust you? Why? Fry: Because... Because... Leela: You're you. That's all I need to know. Bender: No! Don't do it! Scruffy: Fiddlesticks. Amy: Leela, are you crazy? We became fugitives and jail-breakers to stop him. Bender: And hookers, don't forget hookers. Leela: Shame on all of you. After everything we've been through together, do you really think Fry would-
Fry: Goodbye, Leela. I destroy myself to save you.
Nixon's Head: Where's the boom? I was expecting a boom. Fry: It didn't work. I'm the Dark One, and it didn't do anything. [He throws the plunger to the floor.] Mysterious, Sinister Voice: [It is emitted from Leela's direction.] You're not the Dark One, I am! Fry: Leela?! Mysterious Voice: Not Leela, you moron. Me! [It's revealed that the Desert Muck Leech is the Dark One. He screams and falls flat.] What did you do to me?
Leela: Ew! Dark One: I am the Dark One. The very last Dark One. How is it possible I couldn't read your mind? Oh, I am momentarily disabled.
Randy: [He gasps.] What's happening out there? Sal: Somethings wondersful. Leela: The star and the asteroid. They were an egg and a sperm. Preacherbot: Great modem of mercy. Cover the children's eyes. Morbo: There are no children here. Preacherbot: Then move your fat head. I can't see.
Nine: The Encyclopod is reborn. A new green age has begun! Mad Fellow: So the legend foretold.
Farnsworth: Look! Inside its pouch. Extinct Tasmanian tigers! Amy: And dodo birds! Leela: And white rhinos! Hermes: And striped biologist-taunters! Striped Biologist-Taunter: What are you gonna do, shoot us?
Encyclopod: Life! [The crowd gasps.] These once extinct plants and animals are my gift to the universe. Through untold generations, my race has treasured their DNA. Treat them wisely with the knowledge that all species are precious. Leela: This is unbelievable. What's going on? Hutch: To answer that, I must tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that-
Fry: Hutch, are you okay? Hutch: My sister's femi-necklace. [He reaches for the necklace lodged in Fry's head.] Fry: What? [It is pulled out of his head and he screams.] Hey, how come I can't read your thoughts anymore?
Encyclopod: I shall avenge you, Hutch...Waterfall.
Nine: After all these eons, the Dark Ones are no more. Will you preserve their DNA, O Great Encyclopod? Encyclopod: I suppose I should. Wait, where did it go?
Zoidberg: What? Encyclopod: Well, at any rate, I shall preserve the DNA of Homo sapiens. Fry: Huh. I thought you only saved the DNA of endangered species. Encyclopod [Ominously]: Farewell. [He flies away.] Fry: I guess he didn't hear me. Bender: Well, looks like that wraps everything up in a nice big, old, fat sack of... Zapp Brannigan: I hereby arrest you fugitives on 53 counts of... fugivity. Kif, round them up, and spare me the weary sigh for once. [Pause.] Kif? Kif: [He is running into the ship with the rest of the crew.] Wait for me.
Fry: Well, this is the end. There was so many things I wanted to say to you. Leela: Like what? Fry: Like this is not the end. But mostly just, I love you, Leela.
Leela: Maybe I waited too long to say this, but I love you, too- WORMHOLE!
Hermes: Sweet topology of cosmology, it's huge! Farnsworth: If we fly into it, it could take us trillions of light years away. There's no knowing if we'll ever return. Fry: What do we do? Should we go for it?
Bender: Into the breach, meatbags. Or not. Whatever. [He starts drinking the beer.] ALL: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
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