Bender Bending Rodriguez
Dnes | 1019 | |
Včera | 1589 | |
Týždeň | 7514 | |
Mesiac | 4962 | |
Celkom | 3713426 |
Episode Transcript: 6acv02 |
6acv02: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela
Transition Announcer: And now, The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Brought to you by Bartley's Rocket Wax. Zapp: [coming out of the Bartley's Rocket Wax logo] I wax my rocket every day.
Emperor Chop Chop: No one can save you now, Leela. Leela Actress: Well, what about Zapp Brannigan? Emperor Chop Chop: Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan can save you, but— [the door opens and Zapp, portraying himself, walks in] Zapp Brannigan! Zapp: So, Emperor Chop Chop, once again we meet at last! Drop that space gun or I'll shoot! Like so! [shoots the villain and unties the actress portraying Leela] Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp! Tie me back up and ravish me! Zapp: I'd like to, Leela. So I will.
Zapp: Ooh, yeah, shake it, baby. Shake it like— [Kif taps him and he wakes up] I surrender and volunteer for treason! Kif: [saluting] Emergency summons from the President, captain. Zapp: Oh, it's you. Just let me freshen up. [gets out of bed] Computer, captain's musk.
Zapp: The long dramatic corridor. That's never a good sign.
Scanner: Glove recognized. Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower.
Zapp: Mr. President, what the hell? Nixon: At ease, Brannigan.
Nixon: What you're about to see is highly classified. Reptillicus, hit the thingy.
Nixon: [with a laser pointer in his mechanical hand] At 0000 hours, Planet XXX was attacked by a mysterious death sphere. [points to the death sphere] Zapp: [pointing to the death sphere with another laser pointer] Magnify that death sphere. [the image is magnified] Why's it still blurry? Kif: That's all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer. Zapp: It does on CSI: Miami.
Nixon: They fought back with advance military hardware, but it was like shooting BB's at Bebe Rebozo. Zapp: That poor brave hardware. Nixon: The sphere then fired some kind of hellish blackout ray. Erased that planet like eighteen minutes of incriminating tape. Zapp: Oh, I just wish I understood why. Why I should care. Nixon: Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! Rowrowooooooo!!
Zapp: My god, we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel. Nixon: Options? Zapp: My instinct is to hide in this barrel. [camera cuts to reveal Zapp doing so] Like the wily fish. Nixon: [sighs] Then we're down to our last hope. A radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist I once dismissed as crazy.
Farnsworth: Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon! [camera zooms out to reveal he is actually speaking to Nixon and the entire Planet Express crew] The correct answer is: very. Nixon: Alright, Professor. Sock it to me! Farnsworth: Top secret news, everyone! I've developed a tiny one-man stealth fighter that's virtually undetectable. Zapp: [coming out of a barrel] How undetectable? Farnsworth: It's right in front of you. Zapp: [walking toward a semmingly empty space] I find that—OW! [bumps into something]—to believe.
Bender: But how exactly is this Happy Meal toy gonna destroy a giant death sphere? Farnsworth: From within. This ship should be able to sneak undetected through the sphere's one vulnerable opening. Hermes: What vulnerable opening? Farnsworth: All death spheres have one vulnerable opening. Zoidberg: Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a "death sphere"? NIxon: I say Brannigan. Zapp: [saluting] I say no. Leela: I say me. Nixon: I say Leela. Leela: I say yes. Fry: I say no. Zapp: I say Leela, too. Leela: I say yes again. Zapp: I say I shall join her. Leela: But it's only a one-man craft...I say. Zapp: There'll only be one man. Me. How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner? Leela: Creeped out. Zapp: Then it's decided.
Leela: [stepping into the ship] Are you sure I have to sit in your lap? Zapp: It'll help us achieve maximum thrust.
Fry: [giving Leela a bag of trail mix] I made you some trail mix for the flight. [Leela takes it as Fry picks up a huge painting of himself in a robe smoking a pipe] Also this picture to remember me by. Leela: You hold on to it. [kisses him] I'll be back soon. Farnsworth: [scoffs] Activate stealth shielding.
Leela: Liftoff! Zapp: I'll rodger that.
Fry: Did anyone else feel aroused and jealous and worried? Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.
Leela: Death sphere in range. Engaging holographic targeting. [presses a button and a hologram of the sphere comes up] Activating the Force.
The Force: [a la Obi-Wan Kenobi] Feel the entrance, Leela. Destination on your left in... [monotone] zero point three [regular voice] miles.
Zapp: Zapp to Leela: look at all that surveillance equipment. Leela: [whispering] We better whisper. Zapp: Switching to pillow talk mode.
Leela: Look. What are those huge letters?
Zapp: "V-GINY?" Doesn't ring a bell.
Farnsworth (v.o.): Hmmm....
Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this "V-GINY." Does anyone recognize those call letters?
Hermes: Nope. It's not in the Janeway's Guide either. Farnsworth: Deciphering that ID code is critical. I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding.
Leela: This is it! The moment we should've trained for!
Leela: Holy cr—
Zapp: Incoming yucky! Leela: Firing pocket rocket!
Zapp: Don't panic, Leela! Go go go go go!
Leela: I hope this is the control stick!
Zapp: Captain's Log: We've lost control. Addendum: Whoooaa-oooooaa-ooaaaah!!!
Transition Announcer: And now, back to The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Zapp: [once again from the Bartley's logo] Chapter Two: "The Heat Thickens".
Zapp: Leela, wake up! I can't face this mysterious planet alone without you or someone like you.
Leela: Zapp? Zapp, wake up!
Zapp: Leela? Where are we. Leela: We crashed on an uncharted planet. When I woke up, I was pinned under this tree. Can you help me? Zapp: [walking toward the tree] If anyone can move it, I can. [attempts to lift the tree but fails] No one can move it. Are you hurt? Leela: No. But I'm so thirsty. This spacesuit is making me sweat like a sow. Zapp: Me, too. We better strip them off and continue surviving au naturel. Leela: Uh, I suppose so.
Zapp: Here. We can cover ourselves with these sticky sap-covered leaves. I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery. Leela: You will? [turns to reveal she's already covered] Eh, what's the point? You'll have to look sooner or later. Zapp: Well, I promise not to abuse the privilege. For now, I better scout around for food and water and help. Leela: What a thoughtful and considerate thing to say. What the hell's wrong with you? Zapp: I'm not quite sure. Perhaps it's the fresh air or a severe head injury. In any case, I'm off. Leela: [as Zapp walks away] If you see any steaks, that'd be good!
Fry: Why isn't Leela back yet? [to Bender] Do you think she's okay? Bender: How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feelin' a little neglected here! Fry: Oh, sorry. Are you okay, Bender? Bender: Shut up! Hermes: What difference does it make? When that death sphere gets to Earth, we'll all be blown to Manwich meat! Amy: Well, I guess it's time to indulge in some end-of-the-world debauchery. Who's up for an orgy?
Zoidberg: Maybe a Parcheesi tournament. Farnsworth: Belay that Parcheesi tournament! I've identified the death sphere! We may yet have a faint hope of survival! Zoidberg: Still, a Parcheesi tournament.
Farnsworth: This is a top secret military satellite launched by the Air Force in 1998.
Farnsworth (cont'd): And this is a top secret FCC satellite launched that same year to censor indecent TV programs. Bender: Like The Pimpsons? And Assarama? Farnsworth: Precisely. However, the satellites collided shortly after launch and were never heard from again.
Zoidberg: I found the board! Farnsworth: Now, I've simulated that collision using Shrapnovision(?).
Fry: [taking a piece of one of the satellites out of his hair] Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets? Farnsworth: That makes the most sense of all. [puts up a projection of planets destroyed by the death sphere] Look at the planet it's destroyed so far. First came XXX, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter. [a planet labelled "#!@€$!#%&" comes on screen] And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company. Fry: You mean... [whispers something to Farnsworth and the crew get angry at him for doing so, causing Farnsworth to slap him] Hermes: So the death sphere is "censoring" indecent planets? Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we can't keep it in our collective pants! Our sole hope is to persuade the people of Earth to abandon their smutty ways.
Amy: So the orgy's off?
Leela: So thirsty. Why couldn't a water fountain have fallen on me?
Zapp: I couldn't find any water. But the moisture in these fruit and nut berries should sustain you. Leela: Thank you. [takes them and eats them] Zapp: I climbed perilously high into the trees to pick them, yet I saw no sign of intelligent life. Leela: Bummer. Zapp: Moreover, the crash totally destroyed our ship. Leela: So we're stuck here until someone finds us? Zapp: Alas, that may never happen. Stealth technology makes the ship impossible to locate yet easy to stub your crotch on. Leela: Well, there's worse places to be marooned. Plenty of food, mild climate. Zapp: It's a veritable Garden of Eden. Leela: It is?
Snake: Hello. Leela: Did that snake say, "Hello"? Zapp: No, we're both delirious from dehydration. Snake: Just like Adam and Eve.
Farnsworth (v.o.): We can still save Earth. People are sure to clean up their act when presented with cold hard facts by rational folks like us.
Farnsworth: The end is near! Repent thy sins! Sal: [giving money to Petunia] I'll thinks it overs while I engages this five dollar hooker. Fry: [taking the bullhorn from Farnsworth] Don't do it! It's not worth it! Petunia: Okay, make it three dollars. Sal: Yuck! I don't wants no three-dollar hooker. I'm goin' backs to the adults bookstore. Fry: Adult bookstore? I thought this was the public library. Bender: [pointing to the words on a pedastil] Nope, pubic library.
Leela: Zapp? Where are you? [to herself] Oh, God, I'm actually starting to miss him. Snake: Maybe you two belong together. Leela: We do not. And you can't talk. Snake: Oh, come on! It must be an awful temptation. [slithers away]
Zapp: Guess who just killed a woodchuck with his bare feet? [puts the wood down] I thought I'd whip us up some shelter, make this a little more like home. Leela: I do miss the Earth terribly. I wonder if it's even still there. Zapp: Let's find out together. I'll brave the ship's wreckage to fetch you the telescope. [exits] Leela: That's so sweet. Snake: I'm just sayin' is all.
Farnsworth: I know my new plan is a long shot, but it's the only hope left. Hermes: Well, now I've heard everything [the camera cuts to a closeup of his face revealing he has earbuds in his ears, which he takes out] on my eyePod. So, do you have a new plan, Professor, and is there any hope left? Farnsworth: Indeed. We're here on Earth's last unspoiled acre to show the death sphere there's still purity in the world. Begin transmitting.
Farnsworth: Commence purity chant.
Fry: Hey, I'm proud of you, Bender. Avoiding sin for almost a full minute. [opens his eyes to reveal that Zoidberg is now holding his hand] Bender? Bender (v.o.): Aw, yeah, baby. You're quite a dish.
Farnsworth: Bender, stop!! STOP!! Bender: Aw, quiet, you riot. What's the worst that could happen?
Leela (v.o.): No!
Leela: No! [sobs] Earth is gone! We're the only two humans left in the universe! [cries] Zapp: Oh, God, I'm sorry, Leela. [comforts her] Leela: Maybe —[sniffles] Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here. Zapp: We can avoid humanity's mistakes. Leela: Like the tuba. Zapp: Yes. We'll be like Adam and Eve. Leela: Only without the tuba. Zapp: And we'll beget little Zapp Jr. and Leela Jr. and they'll have kids of their ow—Yecch! Is that really what happened in the Bible?! Leela: It's a sick and twisted book of holiness all right. Zapp: Then we'll write our own Bible, with less Sodom and more Gomorra. Leela: Let's do it. I shall become the mother of a new world, trapped here under this tree. [reaches out her hand] The Tree of Knowledge! Look, it even has apples! [one falls down on her head] Ow! [she catches it with her hand] Wow! [she takes a bite and looks at Zapp seductively] Come here, Adam, partake of my forbidden fruit. Zapp: Thee will be done.
Leela: Wait! One more bite before we begin the begetting. [eats the apple] Mmm, juicy. Those nut berries you found were so salty, I—I couldn't think straight. [resumes kissing Zapp] I mean, not to belabor it, but they were as salty as that bag of trail mix Fry gave me. [has a thought] Exactly as salty. Hey! Wait a second! [pulls away from Zapp's embrace] Zapp: Uh...woh...ih...Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih—I have a terrible confession to make!
Zapp (v.o.): You see, when I first went foraging, what I actually found was the smoldering wreckage of the ship. Ignoring all danger, I charged inside to liberate our provisions.
Leela: So this is the trail mix Fry gave me! Zapp: Yes! I exaggerated when I said I picked it from the treetops. I just wanted you to think [sniffles] a little better of me. Leela: Well, your motives were good. And we were both loopy from dehydration. [suddenly realizes] Hey, wait! You've been doing an awful lot of urinating! Zapp: Ooooooiiiiiiigeeeaaaaaaaaaah, there's plenty of water! You see...
Zapp (v.o.): ...after I selflessly rescued the trail mix, I braved the flames once more in search of fluids.
Leela: Then why didn't you give me any? Zapp: [sniffles] I though it might help you forget your intense hatred for me if you were a teensy bit delirious. Leela: So you let me dehydrate while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water? Zapp: Diiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaah, not exactly.
Zapp (v.o.): You see, besides the trail mix, the minibar also contained Doritos, beef jerky and a generous assortment of fine chocolates.
Zapp: I wanted to offer you the chocolates, I truly did. But I was concerned about your waistline. Very concerned. Leela: It's because I haven't been exercising. If only this tree hadn't fallen on me by chance. [realizes again] Oh, dear God! Zapp: Gluuuuuuuuyiiiiiiiiiiiih, it was just after we crashed!
Zapp (v.o.): I awoke first to find you trapped.
Zapp: Leela. Leela! Wake up!
Leela: You could've moved this grub-infested log anytime you wanted?! Zapp: Well, sure. But then I wouldn't have been able to provide the loving care you wouldn't have needed.
Leela: I'd leave you to rot in this paradise if only the ship weren't destroyed! [realizes] The ship's fully functional, isn't it? Zapp: Ee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiih, you see...
Zapp (v.o.): ...after re-trapping you and before feigning unconsciousness, I paused to enjoy a cigar. Though mellow and satisfying, it did parch me a bit. So I went in search of brandy. That's when my keen senses detected the still invisible ship.
Zapp: Ow!
Leela: So we can go back to Earth? But there is no Earth anymore! Everyone I know is dead! [sits down on the log and sobs]
Fry: Ah, this seems like a good place to take a dump. [about to do his business but then sees Leela] Leela? You're alive! [runs to her] Leela: Fry! [they hug] But how did you find this planet? [looks at Zapp menacingly] Well? Zapp: Oooheeeeeeaaaaiiiiiiih, we're actually on Earth! The ship's homing device brought us back! Leela: But I saw Earth explode! Zapp: [sniffles] I'm actually kinda proud of this one. You see...
Zapp (v.o.): What you saw was merely a simulation I rigged up using the ship's holographic targeting projector. The alleged telescope was a toilet paper tube.
Leela: You said there wasn't any toilet paper! And that humanity was annihilated! Zapp: My motives were pure! I just wanted you think we had to save humanity so you'd be willing to have sex. Please say you believe me. Leela: Yes. I believe you.
Fry: Yay!
Bender: There must be somethin' to steal on this island. Hey, it's Leela!
Leela: Let's go home, everybody. At least the Earth wasn't destroyed. [The V-GINY suddenly approaches the island.] Yet. V-GINY: People of Earth, hear the righteous word of the Mighty V-GINY! Bender: The Mighty V-GINY!
V-GINY: Seeing you frolic in this unspoiled garden gives hope that this world may yet be redeemed. Farnsworth: Huzzah! The purity chant worked!
V-GINY: Unacceptable wardrobe malfunction! I was referring to Adam and Eve. Leela: We're not Adam and Eve. You see, due to a series of— V-GINY: Consummate your union or I shall destroy Earth!
Leela: Well, if it's to save Earth, I-I guess I could take one for the team. Zapp: You what? R-Right now? Eh, but I need a little romance, first. Maybe a vanilla candle or something. V-GINY: Commence intercourse. Zapp: [clears throat] The giant guns are making me feel sort of...inadequate. I'm not sure if I could— Leela: [sighs and pushes Zapp to an area where they can make love] Move it! I gotta get home and do laundry!
Fry: For God's sake, censor it!!! CENSOR IT!!! V-GINY: Approved for all audiences!! Fry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Transition Announcer: And now, the spicy finale of The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan!
Zapp: That was a close call but we saved Earth. Was it as good for you as it was for the human race? Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp, let's save another planet right now!
|